House Hunting...

For those of you who don't know, or just come here infrequently, I've been wanting a house for awhile. John and I will have been married 17 years on March 4, and over the years we have lived in all kinds of places...Let's see...apartments, rental houses, duplexes, townhomes..we owned our mobile home up in Pierz, and 13 years ago we owned a home in Winter Park, Florida for almost a year. That house was terrific, and to this day, I wish we'd held on just a little bit longer and tried just a little bit harder to hold on to it... maybe we'd still be there.
But I guess that wasn't meant to be, or at least not then anyways. Sometimes you just have to do things the hard way. And finally, I think we've paid our dues...I started back to work last summer and between the two of us, it appears people actually want to give us a loan, lol...I would always tell John to just give it a try, to look into it, but he always hesitated, thinking that the credit wouldn't be good enough, not ready yet, etc...and then it was...
I've wanted to get the boys a home of their own for as long as we've been down here. Up in Pierz, our house was the social house, the one where everyone played, traipsed through, etc...where moms would stop by at the end of the day and collect their little ones. Then we moved here, and don't get me wrong, the boys really like this area, but now we're the ones always going off to someone else's house to hang out or spend the night. We just don't have the room without everybody tripping over each other. When the boys heard we were going to be house hunting, they got excited..their own rooms?
Yet now that the thing I have wanted for so long appeared possible, I got panicky. I am a natural born panicker and I really hate that about myself. I can appear in control, but if something goes wrong I am immediately a wreck. Tonight for example, my new schedule at work showed me working a couple of hours I normally don't have to. It's not a big deal, but of course that's all I thought about the rest of the night. Grrrr....Wherever I go I find a new thing to worry about, then I move onto the next place and start again...Do my neighbors like me? Will I get a certain day off 5 months in advance? How did Z do on his test? I give myself such fits, not to mention driving my husband nuts.
So as I began to panic, John started panicking. We didn't know what to do about a lease, what kind of house we wanted (townhome, twinhome, bank-owned home, etc...), and everything else that goes with it. We looked at various homes and as we did our lease started to run out. Finally, we decided to sign a new 6 month lease so that will give us the summer to start looking, to get everything done right..I hope...or are we just putting everything off so that we will get all stressed out again later? In the meantime our direct neighbor is moving out in the next couple of weeks and the fun begins again, wondering who will replace her... will they have pets? kids? Did I mention I panic much....I guess I am just wondering if there is something in me that can't handle true happiness, if I just self-destruct when things get too good? Was it all talk about the house? Why did I balk when I had the chance right now?

Hope...

Yesterday, I was finishing up my school day, playing on Facebook for a little bit, grimacing at the window because once again it was snowing outside, and once again I had to drive to work. Suddenly the phone rang, and it was a lady from my church. She was calling to ask me if Alex and I were going to attend the funeral tomorrow, and if so, would he like to bring something up to the altar that meant something to the little boy who had died. Woah! I thought to myself. back up. Who died? What happened? Typically whenever there's some type of tragedy in the area or accident, the school sends out notes to the school. We don't go to the local public school, so we don't get those updates. So, I was just finding out then that a boy that was in Alex's Faith class had died. 12 years old - apparently he had taken his own life. 12! 12 years old! I just sank onto the couch...how was this possible. To me that's still a baby! What could possibly have gone so wrong for this boy that he felt he had no hope of a better tomorrow. In the end, it turned out he hadn't been in Alex's class this year, but was one grade ahead. After I got off the phone, I had to sit my 12 year old son down and explain to him about suicide, one subject I'd hoped to avoid for a long time. I asked him if he knew the boy, and he said, yes..that he was a nice kid, pretty funny too. Then I told him...that this funny boy was dead and what happened to him. Alex's face just sank, like he couldn't believe such a thing could be real...that this is something that only happens to grown-ups, older people. Not someone he knows. Afterwards he went outside to play, and I just sat there...what could have gone wrong, he was only 12.......
Back in 1988, I was 14 years old and my father had just died weeks earlier, and we had just moved to our new house on Narragansett Bay. My Grandma's house because she had just gone into a nursing home. My mother was going through the motions, trying to take care of her kids, move us, and take care of her mom. Pretty overwhelming. I can't even imagine, but at the time I just felt lost. I found myself sinking...I felt all alone...no one understood me, no one cared about me, not really I thought. I just wanted to leave and go hang out on a cloud with my dad, just watch everybody, one less problem for my mom to deal with, right? I was starting high school in a matter of days and didn't want to answer people's questions or feel their pity. I just wanted to go away.
So one afternoon, while a bunch of us were busy painting our bedrooms at the new house, I went into my mom's medicine cabinet and took one of her bottles of pills and just swallowed as many as I could - 20, 30...? Did I want to die? At that moment...yes...I just didn't know how to do it. After I swallowed, I just stood, looking at myself in the mirror, waiting...would I fall asleep, what would happen? Nothing happened, but I started to panic. I didn't really want to leave my mom, did I? My brother might need me to, I thought. It was just the three of us now. Then my mom came up and started working on my room, asking me what I thought. About 90 minutes had passed. I couldn't believe what I had done, so I told. I just blurted out that I'd swallowed a lot of pills. At first I think she thought I was kidding, but then she was shocked. She grabbed the pills and went downstairs, showing them to my Godmother, who was a nurse. My Godmother didn't think anything would happen, but there was no taking chances, she said. Off to the hospital we went. I was so embarrassed; I so wished I hadn't said anything. I just remember drinking a disgusting drink of liquid charcoal and having to answer many questions from a psychiatrist. After a couple of hours, we went home. We hardly ever talked about it; it was so uncomfortable for both of us. I never did anything like that again, but I thought about it once in awhile......
That was 22 years ago now, and I can only think of what I would have missed if I'd just left this world. Good and bad. We only get one shot here, and we have to give it our best. No matter how bad, how awful we feel one day, there is always HOPE that the next one will be better. Kids don't always see tomorrow the way adults do. They think they are going to live forever, and I think sometimes that is just too much to deal with. The truth is tomorrows really are limited, and that the clock is always ticking. When I go to bed at night I try to throw away the bad and wake up to only the good - you've just got to hold on to the good. When you feel there is no good, hold on to the hope...

Barbara...

Back in the day of crazy mistakes and stupid decisions, John and I decided to abandon our home. We could no longer afford our payments and were sinking fast. Alex was a baby and shortly after he was born, my mother-in-law, Barbara, came down to meet him, along with my sister and brother-in-law. It was a great visit, and we were happy to show off our new arrival and also join them for some fun in the sun.

After they went back, we tried to make a go of things with the house. John was working as a taxi driver back then, but mainly in neighborhoods, not the urban area where all the best fares would be. We ended up a month or so behind on our payments and got scared. Then we went crazy.

We decided to leave, to cut and run. All we had at that time was a small Geo Metro to drive for we had sold our van to get some extra cash. We decided to pack the Metro with all that we could and hit the road, back to RI and our family. When we were all done loading up the car, our neighbor came out and asked where we were off to. "Just visiting family," we said vaguely. She looked at us, then the car, and said, "You're coming back, right?" "Definitely," was our response. I think she knew better though.

As we left Orlando, we felt miserable. We left a lot of memories in the garage, things we couldn't fit in the car, all for some mortgage company or auction house to delve through later. We made it to Georgia when all of a sudden the car started smoking and after a couple of minutes died. That was it, just ker-plow! We had made it to a little town off the highway, in the middle of nowhere. We stayed there for the night and the next day had the car towed to a local lot. They basically told us that it wasn't worth fixing; it wasn't worth it. We were devastated. Now what? Do we just settle down in Georgia? They were hiring for waitresses at the local Waffle House?

That afternoon we called Barbara to tell her the bad news, hoping that maybe she could loan us money for bus tickets or something. Of course then we'd have to dump all our stuff, but what could we do? We had to get home. When we called she immediately went into pro-active mode. She talked to her boyfriend when he got home from work, and they set out for Georgia. Just like that. She just wanted to get to us. They drove through the night and reached the next afternoon. It was like they were knights riding in on their white steeds. We were so thrilled to see them.

Nick and Barbara helped us load up our stuff and then immediately set off for home. Just like that. In the evening, we encountered torrential rainstorms, and she was quite frightened by it, but they kept going and we were home the next afternoon, exhausted, but glad to be back. She didn't have a lot of money herself in those days, but what little she did have she used to help us get "home". We lost the house, but eventually moved back to Florida to start over once more, wiser for the experience.

I'd love to say we were always as close as we were that night, but that wouldn't be true. There were lots of other moments, some nice, some not so nice. Barbara died tonight, at 7:10pm and in my reminiscing I thought of this memory. John told me he was thinking of the exact same experience. I think I'll hold onto it...may you find peace on the other side..

Chanel Number 5...

I'm sitting here at about 2am. I have no idea why I am even up. Pretty much just listening to sad 90's songs - like Annie Lennox's "No More I Love You's". It's just such a nasty cycle (the late bed-times) I can't break. It will cause me to oversleep in the morning, get up late, start school late, causing me to stay home from my homeschool group, because I'll feel guilty for not getting more done. Co-op starts again on Friday morning, and I consider it a near miracle that I was never late for the first class of the day there. It could have something to do with the fact that "I" teach that first class, but who knows...

Anyways, as I was sitting here, thinking of reasons to stay up, I took a deep breath and sniffed the air around me. Nothing was out of the ordinary, which is great. It means my carpet is back to normal, but it also makes me a little sad.

Many years ago, about 8 I'd say, I was sitting on the computer, at about 2am, reading posts, chatting with people, etc... when out of nowhere I smelled a strong scent. It was a cool night and the windows were all closed. The kids were asleep, and John was at work. We were living in a duplex home in Connecticut. The smell was distinct. It was Chanel Number 5. I've used that perfume in the past, but didn't own any at that time. In fact, the last time I'd regularly used it was when it was collected and given to me after my mother died, from her things. She was such a beautiful woman, full of class, that that one of her favorites. So, that night, I knew she was with me. I've never doubted it. Especially since I wasn't thinking of her when it happened. I was off in a fantasy land, reading posts, etc... It lasted for about 10 minutes, then faded away.

This incident happened in 2003 or so. My mother died in 1995. For years I looked for a symbol, a message from beyond, to know she was there. When the boys were born, I hoped she was with me. When Alex was born prematurely, I hoped she'd help him. There have been so many little things that have gone wrong, but somehow, I've always ended up "okay". Is it a little team of helpers over there, I don't know. Maybe it's just luck, but I know she was there that night. It's never happened again, but I still stay up late, hoping for one more whiff of that great scent...

Random Thoughts...

The past few weeks have been so busy at our house that I just haven't been able to write as much I'd like to, so here's a sampling of thoughts I've had over the last few weeks, in no particular order:

Why do I end up driving in circles every week at the tennis center, praying for just one small opening? Why am I not doing a better job of keeping up with my diabetes, especially when I had that regular coke at McDonald's tonight? Kate Gosselin looks like a total idiot with her new weave.

Why don't I want to walk more at the gym? I used to love to go there, and now all I want to do is get through my 8 times a month, then leave. Did we do the right thing in volunteering for those free Disney tickets, when I don't even know if we can afford to go there this year? Speaking of which, should I get a job? Sigh... Sigh... Why did we have to buy a tire for the Cruiser when the Van also needs 2 tires...badly...

Why is gas priced at $2.85 a gallon when no one seems to be driving that much more than they did 6 months ago. Can't wait until November to kick all the losers out of office - but will it already be too late? Why are teenagers so much harder to deal with than babies? Money sucks. I've decided that my sons are the "real deal"- smart, honest and kind, not to mention good-looking. I'm proud of them, but one of them really believes that he's the cats' pajamas - maybe I should cut his hair...

Why do I feel lately that I am an outsider whenever I walk into a room. I mean, last week, a lady was just incredibly snippy with me, for no reason than to just be snippy. Maybe it's me, but I just haven't felt sociable lately. I don't really care if the weather is nice, because I have a feeling we'll pay for it in April. Why is my younger son constantly running around, singing "Can't Touch This? Break it down!!"?

I love Lost, everyone knows that, but I really hate that it's ending. I don't think I'll ever find a show like this again. If I could marry Jack in an alternate universe, that would be fine. I love Ben and Flocke, James and Miles. Kate...not so much. I love to read message boards for all my shows. I keep trying to remember a certain song from the movie "Scream" so I can download it, but I just can't put my finger on it. Almost everyone from "Party of Five" has been successful since it went off the air.

I wish I didn't have such a good memory. I wish I couldn't remember all the bad times, only the good. What's that saying - I can forgive, but I don't forget. I feel the need to go to QCumbers again soon. I'm a little Irish, but I wore blue today. Zachary made it to the state Wildlife Bowl for 4-H. It's on April 17th- that's my mother's birthday. Maybe she will give him some luck. I think she looks out for us. I lost $45 at Treasure Island last weekend and felt like it was the end of the world. I hate wasting money.

I've been looking up old videos on YouTube lately- Hall and Oates, Olivia Newton John, Whitney, Culture Club, and this little group called Lo-Key. I LOVED this one song they had in the nineties, "I Gotta Thang For Ya". Incredibly cheesy, but fun. I'd sing it in my dorm when I was all alone. I'm tired. That is all.

My music...

Last night, I had the boys bring over a couple of their friends from co-op to play at our place/go sledding. I had to make a stop at Target to pick up some hamburger buns. While I was inside, the boys changed the radio stations around. When I came out, they were arguing about which song and station it should be on. Zachary had it on the Fall Out Boy CD, and his friend had gotten upset that he'd been listening to 93.7, which is a hard rock station. His friend asked Zachary if this was all one CD, and Zachary said no, there was also the Killers on it, a mix tape. His friend got mad again, saying he can't listen to that type of music, the band "sounds" violent. Get it, Killers= violence. Sigh...
I put it on a talk radio station to stop the arguing. As I entered the complex, Zachary's friends asked me if I could change it again to some more music. Grrrr.... I then told him no, that I don't like being told what to listen to in my own car, that I don't let the kids decide for me, and so he won't either. I don't listen to anything violent or with swears, but I don't just listen to Christian music and country either. If he doesn't like it he can tell his mom. He said "Oh, you're right" and that was the end of that.
Maybe it's just me, but when my kids go over to someone's house or are in their car, I expect them to show respect and that includes not constantly asking the parents to do what they want. It's not the first time that I've had various people in my car who try to dictate my choice of music. It's very irritating, a pet peeve if you will...

Friends

This week I lost a friend. She didn't die or anything like that. She just decided she didn't want to be my friend anymore.
Anna was someone I met about 8 years ago in Connecticut. We first met through a secular homeschool group that we had both joined. Her daughters were a few years older than my sons, so our friendship was pretty much born on its own merits, not from the kids. She's a deeply religious person, and I was always trying to find my footing in that regard. When my marriage was going through a rough time, she was one of the people that lifted my spirits and was always there with an ear. When we moved to Minnesota, she and her husband sold us a couch and gave us various books and even inscribed one,
"May you always find happiness and may the Lord bless you and give you peace. Your friend always" Anna.
I guess it just goes to show always doesn't necessarily mean forever.
The truth though is that Anna never really changed from the lady I met so many years ago. It was me who had changed. Back in the Connecticut days, I didn't have many outside contacts. The kids were little, and I spent most of my time with them or at work. I was a cashier at Home Depot for most of my time there. When I'd meet someone new, it was always with the hope that they'd really like me. I tended to "mold" myself into whatever kind of person they needed me to be. If they were religious, I could always offer up a good conversation about God, but if they were not, then I was always ready with a witty comment and a risque joke or two. I've always said I've been kind of a chameleon. If I had a friend who loved football guess where I'd find myself on Sunday afternoons, or Nascar, or knitting, etc...
After I moved near the Twin Cities two years ago, I found that part of my personality slowly change. It came back a little bit last year, then finally, I think, went away for good. I've met so many different groups of people here, and they are all so unique and different with their ideas and beliefs. I think that being around so many confident women has helped me to realize I don't need to do things to "please" others, that if they don't like me for the "real" me, then the friendship isn't real to begin. There's definitely been ebb and flow. I find myself having different common interests with different people at different times. Yet I like them all. If they don't like me, then that's ok too. I'm just not going to pretend so they will. I used to be shy to have people over because we have a townhome apartment, and I wasn't sure if people would look down on me for that. I used to be afraid to tell people that I don't like a certain game that they are playing for fear I wouldn't be invited back, etc... etc...
For the record, I'm a 36 year-old homeschooling mother of two boys. I am Catholic, but I don't visit church every week either, but we study the Bible at home. I am socially conversative, but believe in equal rights for gays and lesbians. I believe in the death penalty for child murderers. I love watching all types of movies, from Harry Potter to American Psycho, watching all types of shows- from Andrew Zimmern's Bizarre Foods to Lost to Criminal Minds, all kinds of music- from Beethoven to Black-Eyed Peas to the Killers. I love to travel and get bored sitting at home for too long. I believe in many conservative principles, especially surrounding less government intrusion. I can't stand President Obama. I don't swear on an everyday basis, but when I do, stand back. I have a temper, but it is far less than what it was even 5 years ago. I like all kinds of people. I don't like to just sit around having pretentious conversations, but can jump in if I need to. I'd honestly rather discuss pop culture, but I'm also up-to-date on all the current news.
So, when Anna yelled at me on my Facebook page for using the word "bitch" in a Lost quote I just decided to stand up for myself. I couldn't deal with having to apologize for something I didn't think was wrong in the first place. I told her she could either be my friend or unfriend me, this is who I am. She chose the latter and I say oh, well. Suck it!!