I haven't blogged in awhile, but something's been bothering me since last night, and I thought I'd share. I was reading my Facebook and a friend was upset because somebody had commented on her weight. First of all, the comment was just plain stupid because this person is not fat in the least. Second, even if she was, so what? Why would someone just say that out loud? Thirdly, it just reiterated what I've always known- that words can hurt way more than a slap in the face anyday, no matter what age you are.
By now, everyone knows that I homeschool my boys. We're finishing up our 10th year. Zachary will be in 9th grade next year and Alex will most likely be in 6th, although I'm still debating that issue. When people ask me why we choose this road less traveled, I always try for the right response- oh, I want them to learn the right values, to focus on things I think are important, year-round learning, and the list goes on. Honestly, when we started we were down in Orlando, FL and I actually didn't think the schools were that wonderful there.
I think though, if I'm really honest, I'd admit that alot of it has to do with my own treatment growing up in public schools and what a disaster that turned into.
Early on, things were fine. I had lots of friends, played with all the kids in the neighborhood, had people over. Somewhere around 6th grade, that started to change. I like to blame my mom, lol. I had pretty hair when I was young, always styled nicely. One day my mom decided to cut it off herself instead of taking to me to the salon, she said it was too difficult to manage. When she got done, it was uneven, short, just gross:) For the next three years life was a misery for me.
I wasn't fat, I wasn't ugly, I wasn't mean to people. I just wanted to fit in. In those years it only takes 1 or 2 things to make you different, to make you stand out in a bad way.
My mother was always popular herself and wanted the same for me. So, I pretended. I'd go to dances and hang out by myself, I'd talk about all the people at school who were talking around me, not "to" me and act like they were my friends. People would walk by my house and shout my name in a rude way, but I'd let my family think they were pals. I had a bit of a lisp and that just sent some people into hilarious fits.
2 things that stand out: the first day of 8th grade I came to school in a new outfit that my mother had helped me pick out. I thought I looked nice, fresh start, new year, yada, yada.. I spent an hour getting ready. When I got to school, the first person I saw said "nice outfit, dork" and I was crushed. It set the stage for the worst year of my life.
The year before that I endured people spitting at me. I'd sit in homeroom and watch these "tough" kids come in. They'd sit behind me and spit paper balls in my hair. I refused to cry or leave. I just sat there, silently begging someone to help, I don't know, maybe the damn TEACHER. He just sat there though, ignoring the whole thing, totally looking a blind eye. After that, I joined many clubs so I could get out of that homeroom. People would then threaten me in the hallways, so I'd have to plan "escape" routes to avoid those people when school let out for the day. I remember just sitting in my room, never wanting to come out or pretending I was sick so I wouldn't have to go there.
Even when good things happened to me, I ended up being the jerk so I could conform and make friends. I had a great friend back then, very loyal, whom once I realized the "cool" people didn't like her, I dumped her. If I wanted to be back in the game I couldn't associate with nerdy people, right? Wrong, but I was too stupid to realize that at the time. Even during that time, there were a couple of boys who liked me, but I was too afraid to like them back. Afraid that other people would make fun of me, that I finally had a boyfriend, or worse yet, mock them for hanging out with me, forcing them to dump me. So, I dumped them first so I wouldn't be hurt.
Eventually time marches on and life moves along. I went to high school and things did change for the better. I made some good friends there, ones that liked me for me, even had a date or two. However, when I finally graduated, I never looked back. I have found various friends on Facebook whom I haven't spoken to in like forever, but I'm not one of those people dying to go to a reunion. I'm just not. Those three years at Park View though, were hell on earth for me and I never wanted my children to go through what I did.
For many years I was alone with my husband and kids, we moved around looking for a nice place to live. I've finally found it here in Chaska. I've made good friends. I am overweight now, have been for awhile and am working on that, but I have setbacks like everybody else. It's just so nice to be involved with such a wonderful group of people here, where I can truly be myself, maybe for the first time in my life. People who tell me the truth, good or bad, and offer a sudden compliment that will just make my day. My hair is short now, but still one of my better features:)