Last night the four of us went downtown to check out Chaska River Days, the town's annual festival. There was food and music, games, and craft sales. As we started looking around the park, the kids started asking for this and that, money for games, snacks, etc... John can get claustrophobic pretty quickly and he was already thinking about heading back to the car. I was like, "no, we just got here." In the old days that might have led to a tense exchange, with someone going off to the car to pout. This time though, I took a deep breath, took out my wallet, gave each boy $10 and set down the blankets and chairs. Then us "old folks" sat down and enjoyed the band that was playing. I made sure the boys stayed together and then relaxed. At the intermission we had funnel cakes (doughboys to all my RI peeps) and the boys returned. Alex had a strawberry smoothie with the little umbrella and Zachary had a little mystical wizard staue and a bandana to wear so he could be "cool". We ended up having a nice time. It hit me though that things are changing. Slowly but surely my boys are growing up, and are becoming capable.
When we got home afterwards, we passed by a neighbor lady from down the way. Zachary stopped to pet her dog and as they left, the lady said to the puppy, "That Zachary, he's one of your favorite friends." Tonight, he was riding his bike around and ended up visiting with "the grillers", these men who seem to have endless amounts of time on their hands to hang out and do just that- grill, and grill some more. When he got back, he had barbecue sauce on his cheeks and had finished up an ear of corn. He said I'd been offered some corn as well, but that he often gets offered a piece of chicken or a hamburger. Then he went back out and rode some more, after asking me of course when our dinner would be ready. It just made me smile that all these people have such a good impression of my son, and I hadn't realized it.
Last week when we went camping to Camden State Park, I had the best time ever. I truly feel like it was the best vacation ever- better than Disney World, Hershey, Las Vegas, etc... Those were all great destination places and we saw a lot while there, but this time we truly enjoyed "each other". We ate every meal together, enjoyed cooking them as well. In the end that $25 cookstove came in handy. Sure we visited some sights, but we were relaxed about it. We went to Pipestone National Monument and looked at the rocks the Dakota dig into to get the material they need to make pipes; we saw bison in a natural setting and the cliffs they may have been pushed off 150 years ago. We hiked both for fun and to collect more of the little Geocaching cards all the state parks are giving away. I think one of my fondest memories was when we all fished in the Redwood River, off one of the hiking trails at the park, just this little out of the way place. There were railroad tracks high above, and along that cliff wall were all holes that the birds had created right into the wall. They'd just zoom in and out. We all caught some trout that day, rainbow trout. We put them all back because we just like catching them, but it was one of those memories that will last forever. As the trip ended and we had to head back to reality, I wondered how many more trips we would take as our little family of four?
I guess what I realized tonight is that I think I've done a good job. I agree with the poet who said to take "the road less travelled". We have and I wouldn't trade it for anything. But then what? My goal has always been to raise the kids, to be there for them and watch them grow, but then what? I'm thinking that when Zachary turns 18 I'll only be 39 and 42 when Alex turns 18. Both boys, grown, when I'm still pretty young. I guess the next step would be a career for myself and lots of time for me and John. Hopefully, we won't kill each other. I picked up this book at the library, 1,000 Places to See Before You Die in the US and Canada. Some great spots to check out, some I've actually already been to. I have the book 1,000 PLaces to See in the World Before You Die, but let's be honest, unless you win a huge mega-lotto, you can't ever accomplishment but a fraction of that list. The US book might be semi-practical. Now, I just have to plan to live to be 110:) Good news though, I have lost 2 more pounds- 12 since November, every little bit helps.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Starting Fresh...
I just read the most insightful blog about freeing ourselves from worry and just going with the moment, being true to ourselves and being happy. I think that this is the very ideal that I have been seeking for myself for years now, yet it always eludes me.
The truth is that I am and for as long as I can remember, been a worrier. I started searching for colleges to apply to in the beginning of 10th grade and worried about getting into them as soon as I found them. I tried to fill my schedule with all the grades, activities, volunteerism that I could think of so that I'd be accepted. In the end I did get accepted to 5 out of 6 colleges, but then I never finished. I think I burnt myself out. I wish now that I'd actually taken a year off to work or travel, to explore myself and the world around me.
Now, in my mind, history is starting to repeat itself. My son is about to enter high school and as a homeschooling family, I am worrying about college already. "Will I be able to make a nice enough transcript?", "Will I prepare him enough for the SAT's?", "Is he in enough clubs?", "Is he in too many clubs?" I'm actually planning to teach 1 class today, the day before we are going camping so I can feel "good about myself".
Starting around that same time, 10th grade or so, I began the bizarre practice of "starting fresh". Basically what that means is that whenever I found myself getting mad at somebody, or after I actually did do something wrong, screw up in some way, hurt someone's feelings, etc... I would stand where no one could see me, throw my hands up over my shoulders, and basically cleanse myself. I would block out anything negative and start all over again, like it never happened. Of course, the consequences of my actions still had to be dealt with, but I acted like the event had never happened, I didn't know what people are talking about, etc... It could be anything- a bad grade, a fight with my mom, etc...
As I got older, I continued doing this, until my husband realized what I was doing and helped me see that we don't have to "forget" the negative, but grow from it. Over time, I have become very aware of my strengths as well as my shortcomings. Yes, I am a very loyal friend, yes, I am very organized, yes, I have a pretty bad temper on occasion, yes, I can be the neighborhood mom, yes, I want all the kids to disappear on occasion. It's all me.
What I want now though is to stop panicking about the little things in my life. We are planning to be away for the next week, camping down in the southwest pocket of Minnesota at a place called Camden State Park. It's not very far from Walnut Grove where Laura Ingalls lived, and I've always wanted to go there, as well as DeSmet, SD, where we might visit as well. Well, over the last week, we spent a little more than we intended with Zachary's birthday, 4th of July stuff as well. It's just always a very busy week, and since money is always an issue with us, we had to reassess our camping plans.
We redid the budget and decided it was still ok to go, that we should be low-key this weekend, then go and enjoy ourselves. This morning when John came home he brought some supplies, as well as a cookstove so we could fry up meats and vegetables without having to build a fire. Firewood can get pretty expensive at the state parks, so we want to have fires sparingly. Instead of being thrilled that we had a new gadget to help us out, I got annoyed that he had spent the $25 on it. I knew I was being irrational, but we were supposed to be careful. I ended up apologizing, and he went to bed. I just get frustrated with myself. If I can't be content in the woods, in nature, when can I be?
I guess I worry if my priorities are out of whack. Last year we wanted to take the kids on a cross-country type trip, through somewhere we had never been. We ended up staying in Las Vegas, but going through the Rocky Mountains as well, visiting Hoover Dam, etc... We realize the kids are getting older and there may not be too many of these family trips now, so we are creating as many memories as we can now? But then it's like, what about house savings money, college, etc...Should we really plan so many fun activities? On the other hand, I tell myself, when I die someday, the kids aren't going to care as much where we lived or how much I gave them, as much as our experiences and the love we shared. If all we did was save, we'd never experience. Above all else, I want to experience everything!
Sunday, July 5, 2009
My boys...
Usually my blogs tend to run schmaltzy, sentimental. I just think that's my personality. I love writing and when I am writing an honest blog, which is what I promised myself I would do here, I can become overwhelmed with emotion. Last night, we were driving home from Lake Waconia where we had gone swimming, played in the sand, etc... I was looking up at an almost full moon and some incredibly sad song came on the radio. I just started thinking of my mother, what was she doing on this Fourth of July evening in heaven, and I just burst into tears. It's been 14 years, but that loss is always present.
When we got home, 2 little girls came running up to the car. When Alex, my 11 year-old got out of the car, they immediately started grabbing him, telling him he had to go back to jail. It was some game they had been playing before we went to the lake. Earlier in the weekend, I noticed the same two girls chasing him around the house, over and over again. He just laughed, not minding the attention.
While we were eating lunch another friend of his came by, this time a boy. He wanted Alex to come out and play, while also mentioning that there were a couple of girls at the playground who had been asking about him, a different couple of girls from the previously mentioned jail wardens.
When we lived in Pierz, a couple of years ago, Alex was just 8, and his brother was 11. There was a 9 year old girl named Asia there. She always made her way over to our house, to sit by Alex, to "argue" with him, to squirt water at him, whatever. For the most part I thought she was harmless, until one day I overheard her talking about different sexual positions. After that, I realized that she was a little too sophisticated for my guy, and that was the end of that. Her half sister though, had always had a crush on our neighbor's son, but then he moved. So, guess who was next in line for her affections: Alex.
Now in Chaska, I know that there are two or three girls in our homeschool groups who think fondly of him. A couple follow him around, while one always runs the other way when he's around. It's sweet really, but I just know when he's a teenager I'll need those eyes in the back of head. Of the two of them, he's the one I'm going to have to watch out for, the troublemaker:)
Now I'm off to go out and buy birthday presents for my oldest son, Zachary, who will be 14 on Thursday. That one is also making me very emotional and ties back in with my mother. She died just two months before he was born, and all of our lives changed forever. I truly believe Zachary was a gift from God though, so I wouldn't have to endure that loss alone. I do believe that when one family member dies, somewhere else there seems to be a birth soon after or right before. Looking back on our family tree, that's happened a bunch of times. Z's been my rock on many occasions when he shouldn't have had to be, my little protector, my little hard-working, responsible guy. We have an unbreakable bond.
When we got home, 2 little girls came running up to the car. When Alex, my 11 year-old got out of the car, they immediately started grabbing him, telling him he had to go back to jail. It was some game they had been playing before we went to the lake. Earlier in the weekend, I noticed the same two girls chasing him around the house, over and over again. He just laughed, not minding the attention.
While we were eating lunch another friend of his came by, this time a boy. He wanted Alex to come out and play, while also mentioning that there were a couple of girls at the playground who had been asking about him, a different couple of girls from the previously mentioned jail wardens.
When we lived in Pierz, a couple of years ago, Alex was just 8, and his brother was 11. There was a 9 year old girl named Asia there. She always made her way over to our house, to sit by Alex, to "argue" with him, to squirt water at him, whatever. For the most part I thought she was harmless, until one day I overheard her talking about different sexual positions. After that, I realized that she was a little too sophisticated for my guy, and that was the end of that. Her half sister though, had always had a crush on our neighbor's son, but then he moved. So, guess who was next in line for her affections: Alex.
Now in Chaska, I know that there are two or three girls in our homeschool groups who think fondly of him. A couple follow him around, while one always runs the other way when he's around. It's sweet really, but I just know when he's a teenager I'll need those eyes in the back of head. Of the two of them, he's the one I'm going to have to watch out for, the troublemaker:)
Now I'm off to go out and buy birthday presents for my oldest son, Zachary, who will be 14 on Thursday. That one is also making me very emotional and ties back in with my mother. She died just two months before he was born, and all of our lives changed forever. I truly believe Zachary was a gift from God though, so I wouldn't have to endure that loss alone. I do believe that when one family member dies, somewhere else there seems to be a birth soon after or right before. Looking back on our family tree, that's happened a bunch of times. Z's been my rock on many occasions when he shouldn't have had to be, my little protector, my little hard-working, responsible guy. We have an unbreakable bond.
Sunday morning ramblings...
I love Sundays:) I love them because it is the one day of the week that I allow myself to sleep until whenever, and the one day I try not to plan too many activities so we can do whatever we feel like as a family. John's schedule is a little different than most because he works the grave shift- midnight to 8:30am, and his days off are Mondays and Tuesdays, but since he works grave, it is like he has all Sunday afternoon and evening off as well.
So I got up at 11 this morning, had breakfast, and checked my Facebook page. I was just browsing, looking at my assorted friends. I started to think what it would be like if all of these people were actually in one big room together, how interesting that would be. There are some people on the list that I just saw Thursday, while others I have not seen in some 25 years.
Now John thinks Facebook is silly. The way he sees it, if you really had a connection with a person, really cared about them, you'd have made the effort to know where they were all the time, and not need to "find" them on Facebook. I didn't really agree with that though, because many things happen in our lives to throw us off track, where we could lose contact. Moving, for one, will definitely change things, going off to college is another one. Or maybe you just have good memories of a person and want to say hi to them, whether you will ever really "hang" with them again.
I started my Facebook page about a year ago, and I had a pretty healthy mix of new friends in Minnesota, and some of my closest friends from high school days. I thought that reconnecting with these people would be good because we could reestablish friendships, etc... From there, the list grew to include many different people, some that I contacted, some who surprised me with a friend invite. Different friends from elementary school, junior high, my oldest friend from when I was like 2, my college roommate, a couple guys I had crushes on, and now even some people that I consider to be "family", as well as some actual new, blood-related family members, which has been such a gift for me.
I notice some people seem to be friend "collectors". I call them that because they seem to have an abundance of friends- 300, 600, 1,000, but you rarely see people post on their pages, really show an interest in that person. It's like "I brushed by you in the hall on May 12, 1990- will you be my Facebook friend?" That person might say yes to be nice, then that's it. I don't want that. I have 90 friends, not overly popular, but a pleasant number. There's not one person on that list that I wouldn't wish a Happy Birthday to or comment on their posts. However, there have been a couple people that have friended me, then never said anything to me. That kind of annoys me, because maybe you shouldn't have asked me at all. I'm not a collector, I just want to talk to people.
So, in the end, the people that I talk to the most are the people I see the most, which makes sense. But then, after that, the people I talk to tend to be my friends from my junior high days, and elementary school. At the end of high school, I wasn't really that close to them, or they left school to go somewhere else. Now we are talking more, reconnecting, and it's nice, and the people that I considered my closest friends from those days, I barely talk to, just a birthday greeting or whatever. It's an interesting dynamic- maybe John has a point:)
So I got up at 11 this morning, had breakfast, and checked my Facebook page. I was just browsing, looking at my assorted friends. I started to think what it would be like if all of these people were actually in one big room together, how interesting that would be. There are some people on the list that I just saw Thursday, while others I have not seen in some 25 years.
Now John thinks Facebook is silly. The way he sees it, if you really had a connection with a person, really cared about them, you'd have made the effort to know where they were all the time, and not need to "find" them on Facebook. I didn't really agree with that though, because many things happen in our lives to throw us off track, where we could lose contact. Moving, for one, will definitely change things, going off to college is another one. Or maybe you just have good memories of a person and want to say hi to them, whether you will ever really "hang" with them again.
I started my Facebook page about a year ago, and I had a pretty healthy mix of new friends in Minnesota, and some of my closest friends from high school days. I thought that reconnecting with these people would be good because we could reestablish friendships, etc... From there, the list grew to include many different people, some that I contacted, some who surprised me with a friend invite. Different friends from elementary school, junior high, my oldest friend from when I was like 2, my college roommate, a couple guys I had crushes on, and now even some people that I consider to be "family", as well as some actual new, blood-related family members, which has been such a gift for me.
I notice some people seem to be friend "collectors". I call them that because they seem to have an abundance of friends- 300, 600, 1,000, but you rarely see people post on their pages, really show an interest in that person. It's like "I brushed by you in the hall on May 12, 1990- will you be my Facebook friend?" That person might say yes to be nice, then that's it. I don't want that. I have 90 friends, not overly popular, but a pleasant number. There's not one person on that list that I wouldn't wish a Happy Birthday to or comment on their posts. However, there have been a couple people that have friended me, then never said anything to me. That kind of annoys me, because maybe you shouldn't have asked me at all. I'm not a collector, I just want to talk to people.
So, in the end, the people that I talk to the most are the people I see the most, which makes sense. But then, after that, the people I talk to tend to be my friends from my junior high days, and elementary school. At the end of high school, I wasn't really that close to them, or they left school to go somewhere else. Now we are talking more, reconnecting, and it's nice, and the people that I considered my closest friends from those days, I barely talk to, just a birthday greeting or whatever. It's an interesting dynamic- maybe John has a point:)
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