Barbara...

Back in the day of crazy mistakes and stupid decisions, John and I decided to abandon our home. We could no longer afford our payments and were sinking fast. Alex was a baby and shortly after he was born, my mother-in-law, Barbara, came down to meet him, along with my sister and brother-in-law. It was a great visit, and we were happy to show off our new arrival and also join them for some fun in the sun.

After they went back, we tried to make a go of things with the house. John was working as a taxi driver back then, but mainly in neighborhoods, not the urban area where all the best fares would be. We ended up a month or so behind on our payments and got scared. Then we went crazy.

We decided to leave, to cut and run. All we had at that time was a small Geo Metro to drive for we had sold our van to get some extra cash. We decided to pack the Metro with all that we could and hit the road, back to RI and our family. When we were all done loading up the car, our neighbor came out and asked where we were off to. "Just visiting family," we said vaguely. She looked at us, then the car, and said, "You're coming back, right?" "Definitely," was our response. I think she knew better though.

As we left Orlando, we felt miserable. We left a lot of memories in the garage, things we couldn't fit in the car, all for some mortgage company or auction house to delve through later. We made it to Georgia when all of a sudden the car started smoking and after a couple of minutes died. That was it, just ker-plow! We had made it to a little town off the highway, in the middle of nowhere. We stayed there for the night and the next day had the car towed to a local lot. They basically told us that it wasn't worth fixing; it wasn't worth it. We were devastated. Now what? Do we just settle down in Georgia? They were hiring for waitresses at the local Waffle House?

That afternoon we called Barbara to tell her the bad news, hoping that maybe she could loan us money for bus tickets or something. Of course then we'd have to dump all our stuff, but what could we do? We had to get home. When we called she immediately went into pro-active mode. She talked to her boyfriend when he got home from work, and they set out for Georgia. Just like that. She just wanted to get to us. They drove through the night and reached the next afternoon. It was like they were knights riding in on their white steeds. We were so thrilled to see them.

Nick and Barbara helped us load up our stuff and then immediately set off for home. Just like that. In the evening, we encountered torrential rainstorms, and she was quite frightened by it, but they kept going and we were home the next afternoon, exhausted, but glad to be back. She didn't have a lot of money herself in those days, but what little she did have she used to help us get "home". We lost the house, but eventually moved back to Florida to start over once more, wiser for the experience.

I'd love to say we were always as close as we were that night, but that wouldn't be true. There were lots of other moments, some nice, some not so nice. Barbara died tonight, at 7:10pm and in my reminiscing I thought of this memory. John told me he was thinking of the exact same experience. I think I'll hold onto it...may you find peace on the other side..

Chanel Number 5...

I'm sitting here at about 2am. I have no idea why I am even up. Pretty much just listening to sad 90's songs - like Annie Lennox's "No More I Love You's". It's just such a nasty cycle (the late bed-times) I can't break. It will cause me to oversleep in the morning, get up late, start school late, causing me to stay home from my homeschool group, because I'll feel guilty for not getting more done. Co-op starts again on Friday morning, and I consider it a near miracle that I was never late for the first class of the day there. It could have something to do with the fact that "I" teach that first class, but who knows...

Anyways, as I was sitting here, thinking of reasons to stay up, I took a deep breath and sniffed the air around me. Nothing was out of the ordinary, which is great. It means my carpet is back to normal, but it also makes me a little sad.

Many years ago, about 8 I'd say, I was sitting on the computer, at about 2am, reading posts, chatting with people, etc... when out of nowhere I smelled a strong scent. It was a cool night and the windows were all closed. The kids were asleep, and John was at work. We were living in a duplex home in Connecticut. The smell was distinct. It was Chanel Number 5. I've used that perfume in the past, but didn't own any at that time. In fact, the last time I'd regularly used it was when it was collected and given to me after my mother died, from her things. She was such a beautiful woman, full of class, that that one of her favorites. So, that night, I knew she was with me. I've never doubted it. Especially since I wasn't thinking of her when it happened. I was off in a fantasy land, reading posts, etc... It lasted for about 10 minutes, then faded away.

This incident happened in 2003 or so. My mother died in 1995. For years I looked for a symbol, a message from beyond, to know she was there. When the boys were born, I hoped she was with me. When Alex was born prematurely, I hoped she'd help him. There have been so many little things that have gone wrong, but somehow, I've always ended up "okay". Is it a little team of helpers over there, I don't know. Maybe it's just luck, but I know she was there that night. It's never happened again, but I still stay up late, hoping for one more whiff of that great scent...

Random Thoughts...

The past few weeks have been so busy at our house that I just haven't been able to write as much I'd like to, so here's a sampling of thoughts I've had over the last few weeks, in no particular order:

Why do I end up driving in circles every week at the tennis center, praying for just one small opening? Why am I not doing a better job of keeping up with my diabetes, especially when I had that regular coke at McDonald's tonight? Kate Gosselin looks like a total idiot with her new weave.

Why don't I want to walk more at the gym? I used to love to go there, and now all I want to do is get through my 8 times a month, then leave. Did we do the right thing in volunteering for those free Disney tickets, when I don't even know if we can afford to go there this year? Speaking of which, should I get a job? Sigh... Sigh... Why did we have to buy a tire for the Cruiser when the Van also needs 2 tires...badly...

Why is gas priced at $2.85 a gallon when no one seems to be driving that much more than they did 6 months ago. Can't wait until November to kick all the losers out of office - but will it already be too late? Why are teenagers so much harder to deal with than babies? Money sucks. I've decided that my sons are the "real deal"- smart, honest and kind, not to mention good-looking. I'm proud of them, but one of them really believes that he's the cats' pajamas - maybe I should cut his hair...

Why do I feel lately that I am an outsider whenever I walk into a room. I mean, last week, a lady was just incredibly snippy with me, for no reason than to just be snippy. Maybe it's me, but I just haven't felt sociable lately. I don't really care if the weather is nice, because I have a feeling we'll pay for it in April. Why is my younger son constantly running around, singing "Can't Touch This? Break it down!!"?

I love Lost, everyone knows that, but I really hate that it's ending. I don't think I'll ever find a show like this again. If I could marry Jack in an alternate universe, that would be fine. I love Ben and Flocke, James and Miles. Kate...not so much. I love to read message boards for all my shows. I keep trying to remember a certain song from the movie "Scream" so I can download it, but I just can't put my finger on it. Almost everyone from "Party of Five" has been successful since it went off the air.

I wish I didn't have such a good memory. I wish I couldn't remember all the bad times, only the good. What's that saying - I can forgive, but I don't forget. I feel the need to go to QCumbers again soon. I'm a little Irish, but I wore blue today. Zachary made it to the state Wildlife Bowl for 4-H. It's on April 17th- that's my mother's birthday. Maybe she will give him some luck. I think she looks out for us. I lost $45 at Treasure Island last weekend and felt like it was the end of the world. I hate wasting money.

I've been looking up old videos on YouTube lately- Hall and Oates, Olivia Newton John, Whitney, Culture Club, and this little group called Lo-Key. I LOVED this one song they had in the nineties, "I Gotta Thang For Ya". Incredibly cheesy, but fun. I'd sing it in my dorm when I was all alone. I'm tired. That is all.

My music...

Last night, I had the boys bring over a couple of their friends from co-op to play at our place/go sledding. I had to make a stop at Target to pick up some hamburger buns. While I was inside, the boys changed the radio stations around. When I came out, they were arguing about which song and station it should be on. Zachary had it on the Fall Out Boy CD, and his friend had gotten upset that he'd been listening to 93.7, which is a hard rock station. His friend asked Zachary if this was all one CD, and Zachary said no, there was also the Killers on it, a mix tape. His friend got mad again, saying he can't listen to that type of music, the band "sounds" violent. Get it, Killers= violence. Sigh...
I put it on a talk radio station to stop the arguing. As I entered the complex, Zachary's friends asked me if I could change it again to some more music. Grrrr.... I then told him no, that I don't like being told what to listen to in my own car, that I don't let the kids decide for me, and so he won't either. I don't listen to anything violent or with swears, but I don't just listen to Christian music and country either. If he doesn't like it he can tell his mom. He said "Oh, you're right" and that was the end of that.
Maybe it's just me, but when my kids go over to someone's house or are in their car, I expect them to show respect and that includes not constantly asking the parents to do what they want. It's not the first time that I've had various people in my car who try to dictate my choice of music. It's very irritating, a pet peeve if you will...

Friends

This week I lost a friend. She didn't die or anything like that. She just decided she didn't want to be my friend anymore.
Anna was someone I met about 8 years ago in Connecticut. We first met through a secular homeschool group that we had both joined. Her daughters were a few years older than my sons, so our friendship was pretty much born on its own merits, not from the kids. She's a deeply religious person, and I was always trying to find my footing in that regard. When my marriage was going through a rough time, she was one of the people that lifted my spirits and was always there with an ear. When we moved to Minnesota, she and her husband sold us a couch and gave us various books and even inscribed one,
"May you always find happiness and may the Lord bless you and give you peace. Your friend always" Anna.
I guess it just goes to show always doesn't necessarily mean forever.
The truth though is that Anna never really changed from the lady I met so many years ago. It was me who had changed. Back in the Connecticut days, I didn't have many outside contacts. The kids were little, and I spent most of my time with them or at work. I was a cashier at Home Depot for most of my time there. When I'd meet someone new, it was always with the hope that they'd really like me. I tended to "mold" myself into whatever kind of person they needed me to be. If they were religious, I could always offer up a good conversation about God, but if they were not, then I was always ready with a witty comment and a risque joke or two. I've always said I've been kind of a chameleon. If I had a friend who loved football guess where I'd find myself on Sunday afternoons, or Nascar, or knitting, etc...
After I moved near the Twin Cities two years ago, I found that part of my personality slowly change. It came back a little bit last year, then finally, I think, went away for good. I've met so many different groups of people here, and they are all so unique and different with their ideas and beliefs. I think that being around so many confident women has helped me to realize I don't need to do things to "please" others, that if they don't like me for the "real" me, then the friendship isn't real to begin. There's definitely been ebb and flow. I find myself having different common interests with different people at different times. Yet I like them all. If they don't like me, then that's ok too. I'm just not going to pretend so they will. I used to be shy to have people over because we have a townhome apartment, and I wasn't sure if people would look down on me for that. I used to be afraid to tell people that I don't like a certain game that they are playing for fear I wouldn't be invited back, etc... etc...
For the record, I'm a 36 year-old homeschooling mother of two boys. I am Catholic, but I don't visit church every week either, but we study the Bible at home. I am socially conversative, but believe in equal rights for gays and lesbians. I believe in the death penalty for child murderers. I love watching all types of movies, from Harry Potter to American Psycho, watching all types of shows- from Andrew Zimmern's Bizarre Foods to Lost to Criminal Minds, all kinds of music- from Beethoven to Black-Eyed Peas to the Killers. I love to travel and get bored sitting at home for too long. I believe in many conservative principles, especially surrounding less government intrusion. I can't stand President Obama. I don't swear on an everyday basis, but when I do, stand back. I have a temper, but it is far less than what it was even 5 years ago. I like all kinds of people. I don't like to just sit around having pretentious conversations, but can jump in if I need to. I'd honestly rather discuss pop culture, but I'm also up-to-date on all the current news.
So, when Anna yelled at me on my Facebook page for using the word "bitch" in a Lost quote I just decided to stand up for myself. I couldn't deal with having to apologize for something I didn't think was wrong in the first place. I told her she could either be my friend or unfriend me, this is who I am. She chose the latter and I say oh, well. Suck it!!

Demoted...

When I was in elementary school, maybe 5th grade, I decided I wanted to play an instrument. Edgewood Highlands had a small band, and you could rent instruments during the year. After careful consideration I picked the clarinet. I wanted to try something I thought was challenging, and I hoped that later on I'd be able to play the saxophone too. Clarinets are a good precursor to that. As I started out I thought it was a lot of fun, but I had a pretty rough time of it. Clarinets are a reed instrument, and I just couldn't get much sound of it, no matter how hard I tried. I'd practice during Band time and at home, but it didn't matter, I was hopeless. I wanted the teacher to help me, to pull me aside. I'd ask questions, but he just didn't have the time for that. I probably should have done individual lessons at a music store, but I never thought to ask. Then one day, the teacher did pull me aside. What he said crushed me. He told me that after 3 months, I just wasn't cut out for the clarinet and that I should quit. Maybe there was another instrument I would like to try, but I could no longer play the clarinet in class. I ran home in tears, and then I got sullen, deciding that there was no other instrument I wanted to play, and that that was that. I was done. I never did learn an instrument.

Today, I have two boys that play the piano. Zachary is pretty good, but I wish he would practice a little more. He is teaching Alex and they have their ups and downs, but it's working.

Sports is more my issue for today. When Zachary was in first grade he decided he'd like to try and take tennis lessons. We were living in Connecticut and signed him up at a gym about 35 minutes from our home. Every Tuesday we'd make the journey, and Zachary would enjoy himself, making friends and socializing, but not playing much tennis. Gyms can be very expensive, so after that session we decided to stop. We'd try later we said. Never say that though, because it always takes forever to get to "later".

Finally, this year, 7 years later, we found a place in Minneapolis that provides free tennis lessons for 25 weeks during the school year. The teachers are all very professional, and it's a great opportunity. As soon as I told Zachary about it, he was psyched. Since I'd be taking Zachary, I automatically assumed that I'd take Alex too. He, however, was not excited about it, and tried to get out of it. I'm the kind of Mom however, who if you try to get out of something, you're probably going to end up doing it anyway. So, the three of us have been driving there this fall and winter. Alex was placed on Court 6 because he was a beginner, and Zachary was put on Court 7 because he is older and has had a little experience. As we've gone on these last few months it's become clear that Zachary may not be cut out for tennis, while Alex has a burgeoning new hobby and maybe more. About 2 months in, Alex was promoted to Court 7, and Zachary was glad to see him, but I think he was a little jealous. Sibling rivalry. Well, today, Zachary was demoted to Court 6, and he was just miserable. I felt so bad for him. He really has tried, but he just doesn't connect with the ball. This new court may be better for him, help him learn the basics.

I was proud of him though because he didn't want to quit. He told me that his goal now is to "kick butt" on number 6 so he can get back to number 7 as soon as possible. He even said they were probably right to put him there. They always say there - persevere- "one more time, forever". It's so hard though to sit on the sidelines and watch, not being able to help. As a homeschooling mom, I'm used to having some say, but not here. I took him out for a milkshake afterwards and told him I loved him "no matter what court you're on". Just another remainder that they're getting older and will have to face the world soon enough. Sigh...