Chanel Number 5...

I'm sitting here at about 2am. I have no idea why I am even up. Pretty much just listening to sad 90's songs - like Annie Lennox's "No More I Love You's". It's just such a nasty cycle (the late bed-times) I can't break. It will cause me to oversleep in the morning, get up late, start school late, causing me to stay home from my homeschool group, because I'll feel guilty for not getting more done. Co-op starts again on Friday morning, and I consider it a near miracle that I was never late for the first class of the day there. It could have something to do with the fact that "I" teach that first class, but who knows...

Anyways, as I was sitting here, thinking of reasons to stay up, I took a deep breath and sniffed the air around me. Nothing was out of the ordinary, which is great. It means my carpet is back to normal, but it also makes me a little sad.

Many years ago, about 8 I'd say, I was sitting on the computer, at about 2am, reading posts, chatting with people, etc... when out of nowhere I smelled a strong scent. It was a cool night and the windows were all closed. The kids were asleep, and John was at work. We were living in a duplex home in Connecticut. The smell was distinct. It was Chanel Number 5. I've used that perfume in the past, but didn't own any at that time. In fact, the last time I'd regularly used it was when it was collected and given to me after my mother died, from her things. She was such a beautiful woman, full of class, that that one of her favorites. So, that night, I knew she was with me. I've never doubted it. Especially since I wasn't thinking of her when it happened. I was off in a fantasy land, reading posts, etc... It lasted for about 10 minutes, then faded away.

This incident happened in 2003 or so. My mother died in 1995. For years I looked for a symbol, a message from beyond, to know she was there. When the boys were born, I hoped she was with me. When Alex was born prematurely, I hoped she'd help him. There have been so many little things that have gone wrong, but somehow, I've always ended up "okay". Is it a little team of helpers over there, I don't know. Maybe it's just luck, but I know she was there that night. It's never happened again, but I still stay up late, hoping for one more whiff of that great scent...

Random Thoughts...

The past few weeks have been so busy at our house that I just haven't been able to write as much I'd like to, so here's a sampling of thoughts I've had over the last few weeks, in no particular order:

Why do I end up driving in circles every week at the tennis center, praying for just one small opening? Why am I not doing a better job of keeping up with my diabetes, especially when I had that regular coke at McDonald's tonight? Kate Gosselin looks like a total idiot with her new weave.

Why don't I want to walk more at the gym? I used to love to go there, and now all I want to do is get through my 8 times a month, then leave. Did we do the right thing in volunteering for those free Disney tickets, when I don't even know if we can afford to go there this year? Speaking of which, should I get a job? Sigh... Sigh... Why did we have to buy a tire for the Cruiser when the Van also needs 2 tires...badly...

Why is gas priced at $2.85 a gallon when no one seems to be driving that much more than they did 6 months ago. Can't wait until November to kick all the losers out of office - but will it already be too late? Why are teenagers so much harder to deal with than babies? Money sucks. I've decided that my sons are the "real deal"- smart, honest and kind, not to mention good-looking. I'm proud of them, but one of them really believes that he's the cats' pajamas - maybe I should cut his hair...

Why do I feel lately that I am an outsider whenever I walk into a room. I mean, last week, a lady was just incredibly snippy with me, for no reason than to just be snippy. Maybe it's me, but I just haven't felt sociable lately. I don't really care if the weather is nice, because I have a feeling we'll pay for it in April. Why is my younger son constantly running around, singing "Can't Touch This? Break it down!!"?

I love Lost, everyone knows that, but I really hate that it's ending. I don't think I'll ever find a show like this again. If I could marry Jack in an alternate universe, that would be fine. I love Ben and Flocke, James and Miles. Kate...not so much. I love to read message boards for all my shows. I keep trying to remember a certain song from the movie "Scream" so I can download it, but I just can't put my finger on it. Almost everyone from "Party of Five" has been successful since it went off the air.

I wish I didn't have such a good memory. I wish I couldn't remember all the bad times, only the good. What's that saying - I can forgive, but I don't forget. I feel the need to go to QCumbers again soon. I'm a little Irish, but I wore blue today. Zachary made it to the state Wildlife Bowl for 4-H. It's on April 17th- that's my mother's birthday. Maybe she will give him some luck. I think she looks out for us. I lost $45 at Treasure Island last weekend and felt like it was the end of the world. I hate wasting money.

I've been looking up old videos on YouTube lately- Hall and Oates, Olivia Newton John, Whitney, Culture Club, and this little group called Lo-Key. I LOVED this one song they had in the nineties, "I Gotta Thang For Ya". Incredibly cheesy, but fun. I'd sing it in my dorm when I was all alone. I'm tired. That is all.