Starting Fresh...

I just read the most insightful blog about freeing ourselves from worry and just going with the moment, being true to ourselves and being happy. I think that this is the very ideal that I have been seeking for myself for years now, yet it always eludes me.

The truth is that I am and for as long as I can remember, been a worrier. I started searching for colleges to apply to in the beginning of 10th grade and worried about getting into them as soon as I found them. I tried to fill my schedule with all the grades, activities, volunteerism that I could think of so that I'd be accepted. In the end I did get accepted to 5 out of 6 colleges, but then I never finished. I think I burnt myself out. I wish now that I'd actually taken a year off to work or travel, to explore myself and the world around me.

Now, in my mind, history is starting to repeat itself. My son is about to enter high school and as a homeschooling family, I am worrying about college already. "Will I be able to make a nice enough transcript?", "Will I prepare him enough for the SAT's?", "Is he in enough clubs?", "Is he in too many clubs?" I'm actually planning to teach 1 class today, the day before we are going camping so I can feel "good about myself".

Starting around that same time, 10th grade or so, I began the bizarre practice of "starting fresh". Basically what that means is that whenever I found myself getting mad at somebody, or after I actually did do something wrong, screw up in some way, hurt someone's feelings, etc... I would stand where no one could see me, throw my hands up over my shoulders, and basically cleanse myself. I would block out anything negative and start all over again, like it never happened. Of course, the consequences of my actions still had to be dealt with, but I acted like the event had never happened, I didn't know what people are talking about, etc... It could be anything- a bad grade, a fight with my mom, etc...

As I got older, I continued doing this, until my husband realized what I was doing and helped me see that we don't have to "forget" the negative, but grow from it. Over time, I have become very aware of my strengths as well as my shortcomings. Yes, I am a very loyal friend, yes, I am very organized, yes, I have a pretty bad temper on occasion, yes, I can be the neighborhood mom, yes, I want all the kids to disappear on occasion. It's all me.

What I want now though is to stop panicking about the little things in my life. We are planning to be away for the next week, camping down in the southwest pocket of Minnesota at a place called Camden State Park. It's not very far from Walnut Grove where Laura Ingalls lived, and I've always wanted to go there, as well as DeSmet, SD, where we might visit as well. Well, over the last week, we spent a little more than we intended with Zachary's birthday, 4th of July stuff as well. It's just always a very busy week, and since money is always an issue with us, we had to reassess our camping plans.

We redid the budget and decided it was still ok to go, that we should be low-key this weekend, then go and enjoy ourselves. This morning when John came home he brought some supplies, as well as a cookstove so we could fry up meats and vegetables without having to build a fire. Firewood can get pretty expensive at the state parks, so we want to have fires sparingly. Instead of being thrilled that we had a new gadget to help us out, I got annoyed that he had spent the $25 on it. I knew I was being irrational, but we were supposed to be careful. I ended up apologizing, and he went to bed. I just get frustrated with myself. If I can't be content in the woods, in nature, when can I be?

I guess I worry if my priorities are out of whack. Last year we wanted to take the kids on a cross-country type trip, through somewhere we had never been. We ended up staying in Las Vegas, but going through the Rocky Mountains as well, visiting Hoover Dam, etc... We realize the kids are getting older and there may not be too many of these family trips now, so we are creating as many memories as we can now? But then it's like, what about house savings money, college, etc...Should we really plan so many fun activities? On the other hand, I tell myself, when I die someday, the kids aren't going to care as much where we lived or how much I gave them, as much as our experiences and the love we shared. If all we did was save, we'd never experience. Above all else, I want to experience everything!