Time...

Time just ticks away, the one constant in our lives. I haven't blogged in months. I'm not sure why; I just felt at a standstill. I didn't think that I was writing about my honest feelings about things anymore, just fluff, that I couldn't share what I was feeling, or people wouldn't accept me. Over the last few months I have felt a peace that I haven't felt in... well, maybe, forever. I've just come to terms with my life, reconciled the past, and think I've come out the better for it.
For years I lived in the shadow of two ghosts. Everything I did, every action I took, every emotion I had was based on how I thought my mother and father would react. I wanted their approval so badly in life that I continued that seeking long after they were gone. You see, I was an only child for the first 8 years of my life, a fact that led me to be a bit of a brat, always with a good heart, but a brat nonetheless, lol. They had such high expectations for me. I was smart, but never the smartest. I was pretty enough, but not the prettiest. I was always slow in the socializing department and didn't even want to go away to college - shocking, I know. I grew up feeling that while I was good at many things, I was never the best at anything. For most, that would be ok, but for me, I felt I was a dissapointment. That dissappointment made me angry, and eventually I stopped caring about things like grades, colleges, etc...I'd never have the best, so why bother. I'd like nothing better than to go to a movie by myself and not have to deal with the pressures I felt. So, I rebelled in a big way, met a guy and moved to California. Now the California move was actually NOT because of my mother, but because of issues the guy had with his family. Still though, I was even more of a disappointment at that time because I had quit college. I got married and was pregnant, 7 months pregnant, when my mother died. My dad had died 7 years previously. I was so upset I thought I would die. I couldn't believe that they had left me, it was a huge void.
As time went on I started working overtime to be perfect. I wanted to be the perfect mother, the perfect housekeeper, the perfect wife, etc, etc... No matter how hard I tried though, I couldn't attain this goal, and I became depressed all over again. The house would get messy, John and I would fight, sometimes terribly, and I gained weight. I never smoked or drank much, but food was my friend. I remember being 12 years old and I'd eaten a bowl of popcorn, a small bowl really, and I was still hungry. As I headed for the cupboard, I heard my dad snorting like a pig, saying "keep it up, piggy". I was so ashamed that I ran to my room, crying. I didn't eat anymore that day, but I never forgot, and when I wanted to feel good about myself in the future, I would eat. So, during my 20's life was pretty up and down and I felt very alone- we moved alot, and I didn't have many friends at all, just John and the kids. We always thought that was ok, but it really wasn't, we only had each other to vent our frustrations on, and we'd hurt each other as we'd try to make it through. Sometimes I marvel that we are still together today. I was resigned that my parents would just probably be disappointed in me forever.
Then, we moved to Minnesota, and the weirdest thing happened: I truly got a chance to build a new life, to have a fresh start. We've lived in three different places since we've been here, three vastly different settings. Yet in all of them, I've made friends. People seem to really like me here, and I was never used to that. I just assumed sooner or later they wouldn't. But they did. My in-laws liked me too and actually didn't put me down. They were welcoming to us. Still are. Little by little we built a life here, a good one. Not one that is rich in money, that's for sure, lol, but one that is rich in experiences, friendships, and love, better than anything money can buy. I finally, finally realized after 15 years, that I'd been living in the past. I used to think things like, "if my Mom were here, would I have the courage to homeschool?", "would I have left RI?", etc... You know what though, I've done a good job. I want to scream it from the roof, I've done a good job!!! I'm not out to impress anybody anymore. I don't have any anger at anybody either. This year, I've developed some new relationships with family I never knew I had, and even reestablished some connections I thought were broken forever. I know there are a couple of people that I'd love to be close to, but I've decided at this point, a person can only do so much. You can't force people to feel, they will when it's right for them, and you know what, I'll be here.
I 've learned that I am the person that I always wanted to be, that I am very happy with myself, my marriage, my boys, and all the wonderful people I get to share my life with. I realize that my parents loved me, but it's no longer my job to impress them. I've impressed myself, and finally, that's enough.