If you've been reading along, you know that I have made a lot of new friends over the past year and a half. With that always comes a lot of good things, but also issues to deal with. Lately, there have been concerns about hurting people's feelings or they themselves have been hurt by others.
Sadly, I think that it is almost unavoidable to go through this life, if you are being honest, without hurting feelings. The older we get, the more baggage we bring to our relationships, the more likes and dislikes we have. After a few meetings with people, it can become apparent that some people you will have alot in common with, while others you will just see peripherally. You might very well like these people, but have nothing in common with them. Sometimes, it can take longer. There's several people I am really enjoying getting to know now, that I wasn't sure I was going to click with originally.
So, with time relationships progress, and this is where I wrote in a previously blog, that the "real" me comes out. Then people have to decide, do they like that person, or is it better to be friends in passing. Over the winter I had a situation with a friend whom I really like, her children were great, and we were spending some evenings together. The problem for us ended up being religion. She's very involved with her church, and I am not so much. She's Protestant and I'm Catholic, but even then I don't go to church regularly. I don't believe that I have to sit in a building and hand over money every week to prove my love to God. I like to pray with the kids and teach them the Bible. Then, let them come to their own conclusions. It got to the point that each time I saw my friend, she was inviting me to her church, talking to me about their programs, etc... It really started to annoy me. I finally told her that I enjoyed being her friend, but that I would not be joining her church, ever, and that she should stop asking me about it. After that, things were a bit tense for a couple of months, we didn't see each other that much. Now, things are back to normal, and they just visited this week, without the church talk. The point of this story is to illustrate that I had to speak up or I wouldn't have been honest with myself. The me from 10 years ago probably would have visited her church for a number of weeks, worked myself up into a tizzy, and then cut all ties with her and other members of the homeschool group we belong to. Luckily, I have grown and have learned to speak up.
So, the bottom line is we all have to be honest with ourselves. If we enjoy spending time with certain people more than others, that's okay! If we don't want to hang out for a couple weeks, if we need to pull back, that's okay too! If we like a large variety of different people, that's okay! I have two very different homeschool groups and you know what, I love all the moms there, but don't agree with everybody in either one all the time- that's okay!
When I was in 4th grade I had my last birthday party- yes, my mother actually told me after that I was too old for parties- sigh... There were about 11 girls in the class. I wanted to invite them all, except one. This girl I barely spoke to, and when I did, it wasn't pretty. When I filled out the invitations I left her off the list. My mom though, had a copy of the class list and saw this omission. "No, no," she said, "You have to invite all the girls, it's only fair. You wouldn't want to hurt someone's feelings. You have to show empathy." Blah, blah, I thought, but I did it anyway. You know what? 10 girls came and 1 didn't. Go figure...
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
The Laundrymat...
We don't have a washer and dryer in our house. There are various laundry rooms scattered around the property. I just don't use them because I find that the dryers just aren't effective. It takes two or three runs for the clothes to finish up. So, instead, every 10 days John and I alternate the laundry- he does it every third Tuesday morning and I go every third Friday night. It's a good system because then nobody gets stuck with that job too often.
I used to go with the kids and they'd be bored or bring their DS to play with, then get bored. Now, the kids always help me load up the car and unload the car when I return. They don't need to come anymore and honestly, I'm glad. I find that this "free" time that I have there has become such a peaceful experience for me. It takes me about 2 and a half hours to get everything washed, dried, and folded. I use the time to think about life, make plans, journal, get gas, go to the market, grab a snack, etc... It's just "my" time and that feels good.
I used to think that if I didn't want to be with the kids all the time, that I was not a caring Mom. Now I realize that that's totally normal and part of everyone's growing experience. Even though we homeschool, maybe especially because we do, we need that time apart, to enjoy all the time we spend together. I think though that homeschooling has helped to keep our family close.
Monday, the 4 of us went to Lake Waconia for the afternoon. Most of us ended up with a sunburn, but it was a blast. We swam and dunked each other. The guys built sand houses, and we had a picnic. When I finally braved the chilly water, the boys were excited to have me there. They splashed me and we horse-played, etc... I looked around at all the people there, many of them were teenagers like Zachary. Most of them didn't have any parents with them, and many of them, if they did, were swimming far away from their parents. Mine were right there though, wanting me in the mix. It was just such a nice feeling. If my kids haven't reached that stage of being embarassed by me, maybe they never will.
Tonight I'm on my own. John is working, and the boys are at a movie party. Later, they are bringing a friend to spend the night. By the time they come home, I'll have my Mom hat on again, be excited to see everybody. Not to mention, they'll be three of them to help bring in the laundry, lol. Right now though, I'm glad for "me time" and think I'll run across the street and get a burger- Culver's , yum:)
I used to go with the kids and they'd be bored or bring their DS to play with, then get bored. Now, the kids always help me load up the car and unload the car when I return. They don't need to come anymore and honestly, I'm glad. I find that this "free" time that I have there has become such a peaceful experience for me. It takes me about 2 and a half hours to get everything washed, dried, and folded. I use the time to think about life, make plans, journal, get gas, go to the market, grab a snack, etc... It's just "my" time and that feels good.
I used to think that if I didn't want to be with the kids all the time, that I was not a caring Mom. Now I realize that that's totally normal and part of everyone's growing experience. Even though we homeschool, maybe especially because we do, we need that time apart, to enjoy all the time we spend together. I think though that homeschooling has helped to keep our family close.
Monday, the 4 of us went to Lake Waconia for the afternoon. Most of us ended up with a sunburn, but it was a blast. We swam and dunked each other. The guys built sand houses, and we had a picnic. When I finally braved the chilly water, the boys were excited to have me there. They splashed me and we horse-played, etc... I looked around at all the people there, many of them were teenagers like Zachary. Most of them didn't have any parents with them, and many of them, if they did, were swimming far away from their parents. Mine were right there though, wanting me in the mix. It was just such a nice feeling. If my kids haven't reached that stage of being embarassed by me, maybe they never will.
Tonight I'm on my own. John is working, and the boys are at a movie party. Later, they are bringing a friend to spend the night. By the time they come home, I'll have my Mom hat on again, be excited to see everybody. Not to mention, they'll be three of them to help bring in the laundry, lol. Right now though, I'm glad for "me time" and think I'll run across the street and get a burger- Culver's , yum:)
I've been watching some of this media coverage that has been non-stop since about 4:30pm yesterday about the now, late Michael Jackson.
I remember being in elementary school when "Thriller" came out. Many of my friends got their hands on "Beat-It" jackets or ran around with a sequined glove. I was never that much of a fanatic, but I did own "Thriller" on tape and even had that poster with Michael Jackson and the tiger on my wall. I loved the Thriller video and especially P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing). I could listen to that over and over again. In his prime, he was extremely talented and should be remembered for that.
In his later years though, he was just completely bizzare, engaging in various antics such as the baby-dangling and "possibly" child molestation. He was never convicted, so we may never know for sure, but it appeared at that time that he may have engaged in some inappropriate conduct in one form or another, even if he didn't think it was wrong.
What I do know though, is that the media takes everything and blows it up. They are annoying. Their coverage starts off as helpful, but sooner or later it is just redundant and repetitive. From about 8:30 last night, central time, to about 1am, they were having live coverage of the situation, but absolutely nothing new was said- just the same pictures over and over again, along with various interviews of people who had come out to dance at the Apollo Theatre in Harlem and the Hollywood Walk of Fame- they were putting flowers on his star, but it wasn't the right star after all, his had been temporarily covered for a movie premiere.
Annoying too was the way they treated the late Farrah Fawcett. I know that she was certainly not the mega world-wide star that Jackson was, people were fainting in Hong Kong over him after-all, but many people in America had enjoyed her talents. Most of the news shows were discussing her around 12:30pm until Jackson went to the hospital. Then all of a sudden she was an afterthought. "Oh, by the way, Farrah Fawcett died today, too bad..."Of course, most people suspected she was on her way out, but still. In the end, it was probably good for her family to get out of the limelight so they could grieve privately.
If anything, Michael Jackson was a very tragic figure. He was very talented, but was never allowed a normal childhood. He always had to perform for the cameras from the time he was 6 years old. He once told Oprah that he would cry, watching all the other kids at the playground, that he had to go to work. He is the poster child for why children should not be "forced" into the spotlight at an early age. Let this be a lesson to all those stage moms and dads, and reality moms and dads. Yes, I'm looking at you, Gosselins.
I remember being in elementary school when "Thriller" came out. Many of my friends got their hands on "Beat-It" jackets or ran around with a sequined glove. I was never that much of a fanatic, but I did own "Thriller" on tape and even had that poster with Michael Jackson and the tiger on my wall. I loved the Thriller video and especially P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing). I could listen to that over and over again. In his prime, he was extremely talented and should be remembered for that.
In his later years though, he was just completely bizzare, engaging in various antics such as the baby-dangling and "possibly" child molestation. He was never convicted, so we may never know for sure, but it appeared at that time that he may have engaged in some inappropriate conduct in one form or another, even if he didn't think it was wrong.
What I do know though, is that the media takes everything and blows it up. They are annoying. Their coverage starts off as helpful, but sooner or later it is just redundant and repetitive. From about 8:30 last night, central time, to about 1am, they were having live coverage of the situation, but absolutely nothing new was said- just the same pictures over and over again, along with various interviews of people who had come out to dance at the Apollo Theatre in Harlem and the Hollywood Walk of Fame- they were putting flowers on his star, but it wasn't the right star after all, his had been temporarily covered for a movie premiere.
Annoying too was the way they treated the late Farrah Fawcett. I know that she was certainly not the mega world-wide star that Jackson was, people were fainting in Hong Kong over him after-all, but many people in America had enjoyed her talents. Most of the news shows were discussing her around 12:30pm until Jackson went to the hospital. Then all of a sudden she was an afterthought. "Oh, by the way, Farrah Fawcett died today, too bad..."Of course, most people suspected she was on her way out, but still. In the end, it was probably good for her family to get out of the limelight so they could grieve privately.
If anything, Michael Jackson was a very tragic figure. He was very talented, but was never allowed a normal childhood. He always had to perform for the cameras from the time he was 6 years old. He once told Oprah that he would cry, watching all the other kids at the playground, that he had to go to work. He is the poster child for why children should not be "forced" into the spotlight at an early age. Let this be a lesson to all those stage moms and dads, and reality moms and dads. Yes, I'm looking at you, Gosselins.
Living arrangements...
Lately, it seems that well-meaning friends have taken to worrying about my living situation. That we should really get on the stick and try and buy a house, or we should see about that $8000 tax credit from the government. Why would we want to continue living in an apartment, townhouse, etc...? Why would we want to throw money away on rent? Then we part ways for the day, and they go back to their homes and I go back to my apartment, wondering if I'm "good enough", or if somehow I have failed.
Now, we have had so many ups and downs with money. When my mother died, 14 years ago, there was no will and sadly, a lot of arguing ensued as to who would get what, who would live in her house, etc... As the only adult child at that time I ended up making alot of the decisions, but emotionally I was a wreck and ended up selling everything just so I didn't have to deal with it. I ended up walking away with a bunch of money, but no home and a lot of bad memories that would take years to heal from. If I knew one thing about my mother, she didn't want her house sold, and I felt the money was tainted. I went through it pretty quickly. Zachary was born 2 months after my mother died, and I was dealing with alot. In the end, we bought a house in Florida. The most beautiful yellow house on a half acre of land. 3 bedrooms, 1 bath, garage, indoor patio, and the best yard ever. A huge tree that Zachary would climb, spots to plant orange trees, put a pool up, garden, whatever. We were 24 then. Alex came home to that house after he was born. It was too much though at that time. We ended up getting in over our heads and had to walk away. Alex was 6 weeks old, and we didn't have any type of support system, just the two of us, trying to make things right. The house went into foreclosure. I don't like to talk about it because it's very painful, still is. I have a couple of pictures of that house and about 5 years ago, on a familiy trip to Florida, we drove by. The what if's were palpable, and we quickly got out of there.
After that, we moved to different apartments, but living in Florida just wasn't the same. So, we decided to move to back home to RI and live next door to John's mom. Slowly, we were starting to repair our credit situation, even got a good credit card, a car, etc... At that time, we decided to homeschool- well actually, we had decided that in Florida, but were determined to stick with it. Now, alot of people we know who homeschool, then and now, already have all their ducks in a row, a house, computers, plenty of money to spend on extra classes, lessons, etc... Everything seemed to be such a struggle for us, but we were determined. Sadly, the situation at home turned scary when my mother-in-law's alcoholism got out of hand. She began threatening us over the internet. John worked nights, and one night she threatened to break the door down and kick my ass, then she'd call DCF and have my kids taken away because I homeschooled. I was terrified, being new at homeschooling. The next day, I packed my bags for us and the kids, and we got the hell out of there. We ended up moving into a duplex house that a friend of John's had just bought over the border in Connecticut. It was a lucky break, but we had to wait two weeks before we could move in. We lived in a motel during that time, and there went whatever good credit we'd gotten back.
So, after Connecticut we came here to Minnesota to try with a different section of John's family, his father. That went better, but since they hadn't known each other growing up, they realized they didn't have alot in common. Eventually, we left the St. Cloud area, 2 hours north of where we are now, and moved to Chaska. Up north, we bought a mobile home, but that ended up being damaged in a hailstorm and we decided to unload it.
Now, we are in Chaska and find we really like it. We've made alot of friends who all have their own life experiences, and it's been great getting to know everyone. It just gets hard when people think they know what you should do because it's what they would do, only they weren't around me for the first 34 years. They don't really know what has brought me to this place. For now, we are content. When the right opportunity comes up, be assured we'll go for it, when it's the right time. My husband works two jobs so I can homeschool, but there's alot of guilt I feel for him doing that. I feel like if I put the boys in public school and got an outside job, then we'd have alot more "things" and probably a house, but we've come this far that I want to finish what we've started. I can always get a job later and a house too. Life is full of so many difficult choices, but in the end I promised myself that being the best mom I could be was the most important thing I could ever do, so in case I ever had to "leave them", they would know how I much I loved them everyday of their lives.
Now, we have had so many ups and downs with money. When my mother died, 14 years ago, there was no will and sadly, a lot of arguing ensued as to who would get what, who would live in her house, etc... As the only adult child at that time I ended up making alot of the decisions, but emotionally I was a wreck and ended up selling everything just so I didn't have to deal with it. I ended up walking away with a bunch of money, but no home and a lot of bad memories that would take years to heal from. If I knew one thing about my mother, she didn't want her house sold, and I felt the money was tainted. I went through it pretty quickly. Zachary was born 2 months after my mother died, and I was dealing with alot. In the end, we bought a house in Florida. The most beautiful yellow house on a half acre of land. 3 bedrooms, 1 bath, garage, indoor patio, and the best yard ever. A huge tree that Zachary would climb, spots to plant orange trees, put a pool up, garden, whatever. We were 24 then. Alex came home to that house after he was born. It was too much though at that time. We ended up getting in over our heads and had to walk away. Alex was 6 weeks old, and we didn't have any type of support system, just the two of us, trying to make things right. The house went into foreclosure. I don't like to talk about it because it's very painful, still is. I have a couple of pictures of that house and about 5 years ago, on a familiy trip to Florida, we drove by. The what if's were palpable, and we quickly got out of there.
After that, we moved to different apartments, but living in Florida just wasn't the same. So, we decided to move to back home to RI and live next door to John's mom. Slowly, we were starting to repair our credit situation, even got a good credit card, a car, etc... At that time, we decided to homeschool- well actually, we had decided that in Florida, but were determined to stick with it. Now, alot of people we know who homeschool, then and now, already have all their ducks in a row, a house, computers, plenty of money to spend on extra classes, lessons, etc... Everything seemed to be such a struggle for us, but we were determined. Sadly, the situation at home turned scary when my mother-in-law's alcoholism got out of hand. She began threatening us over the internet. John worked nights, and one night she threatened to break the door down and kick my ass, then she'd call DCF and have my kids taken away because I homeschooled. I was terrified, being new at homeschooling. The next day, I packed my bags for us and the kids, and we got the hell out of there. We ended up moving into a duplex house that a friend of John's had just bought over the border in Connecticut. It was a lucky break, but we had to wait two weeks before we could move in. We lived in a motel during that time, and there went whatever good credit we'd gotten back.
So, after Connecticut we came here to Minnesota to try with a different section of John's family, his father. That went better, but since they hadn't known each other growing up, they realized they didn't have alot in common. Eventually, we left the St. Cloud area, 2 hours north of where we are now, and moved to Chaska. Up north, we bought a mobile home, but that ended up being damaged in a hailstorm and we decided to unload it.
Now, we are in Chaska and find we really like it. We've made alot of friends who all have their own life experiences, and it's been great getting to know everyone. It just gets hard when people think they know what you should do because it's what they would do, only they weren't around me for the first 34 years. They don't really know what has brought me to this place. For now, we are content. When the right opportunity comes up, be assured we'll go for it, when it's the right time. My husband works two jobs so I can homeschool, but there's alot of guilt I feel for him doing that. I feel like if I put the boys in public school and got an outside job, then we'd have alot more "things" and probably a house, but we've come this far that I want to finish what we've started. I can always get a job later and a house too. Life is full of so many difficult choices, but in the end I promised myself that being the best mom I could be was the most important thing I could ever do, so in case I ever had to "leave them", they would know how I much I loved them everyday of their lives.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Shopping...
My husband is THE hardest person in the world to shop for. I get all panicky when the "big three" approach- his birthday, Father's Day and Christmas. A few weeks before the occasion I will start asking what he's been wanting lately. It's almost always the same reply- "oh, nothing, I'm good". I'll say, "Honey, do you want a certain movie or a new beer kit?" and he'll say, "nah". When Mother's Day comes up or our anniversary, he's right there, always with just the right sentiment. Of course, I'm pretty easy to please:)
One year we had been camping for the week leading up to John's birthday. The day that we headed home was his birthday. As we ended through Brainerd, I decided to stop and take him out to lunch. I wanted to go to the steakhouse or something similar. No. How about Olive Garden? Red Lobster? No. Culver's. Bingo! Culver's is actually my new favorite hamburger chain, but I wanted to do more.
I think it all comes down to the fact that I'm not working right now. If I had my "own" money, like I did in Connecticut, then I could do whatever I want and spend whatever I want. John is the main budgeter in the house, but I always know just what's going on, how much we can work with, etc... He's the one though, that makes the plans, puts things into "categories"- $60 for schoolbooks, $40 for garage sales, whatever. So, when it comes to those "big" days- anniversary, Father's Day, etc... I hate having to ask for a category to go buy him presents, because then he knows exactly what I've spent.
So, since he's so picky about everything, I've gotten to the point of just taking him with me to buy his things. Tonight we went out and bought a new fishing pole for him. He really liked it, but as usual thought it was too much for him. I just wanted to shake him, and tell him he deserves everything good in this world too. I bought it anyways, and he couldn't wait to put it in the lake when we got home. Only, he lost his lure...
One year we had been camping for the week leading up to John's birthday. The day that we headed home was his birthday. As we ended through Brainerd, I decided to stop and take him out to lunch. I wanted to go to the steakhouse or something similar. No. How about Olive Garden? Red Lobster? No. Culver's. Bingo! Culver's is actually my new favorite hamburger chain, but I wanted to do more.
I think it all comes down to the fact that I'm not working right now. If I had my "own" money, like I did in Connecticut, then I could do whatever I want and spend whatever I want. John is the main budgeter in the house, but I always know just what's going on, how much we can work with, etc... He's the one though, that makes the plans, puts things into "categories"- $60 for schoolbooks, $40 for garage sales, whatever. So, when it comes to those "big" days- anniversary, Father's Day, etc... I hate having to ask for a category to go buy him presents, because then he knows exactly what I've spent.
So, since he's so picky about everything, I've gotten to the point of just taking him with me to buy his things. Tonight we went out and bought a new fishing pole for him. He really liked it, but as usual thought it was too much for him. I just wanted to shake him, and tell him he deserves everything good in this world too. I bought it anyways, and he couldn't wait to put it in the lake when we got home. Only, he lost his lure...
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Coming out the other side...
A few minutes ago I read a pretty compelling piece from a friend's blog. She's been going through a difficult marital time, but seems to be turning a corner. I hope so anyway and wish them all the best. What she wrote reminded me of my own separation, some 5 years ago.
If you've been reading along so far, you know that for many years now, it's just been "us", the "4 Wahls", the "4 Musketeers" if you will. We did everything together, took the kids everywhere we went. I don't think we had a "date night" until Zachary was 5, and then not another one until he was 10:) We didn't mind though, or else it didn't seem like we minded. All of our conversations were either about work, money, or the kids, just not always in that order. We never thought about going to parties, or movie nights, dancing, anything like that. We worked, homeschooled, took the kids to Scouts and Karate, etc... and just lived life. Except I don't think we were really living for ourselves, we were living for the kids and excluding ourselves.
Then, one day, John came home and told me he was moving out, couldn't stand it anymore, was suffocating. I begged him not to leave, cried, pleaded, everything. He left anyway though, got a room in a boardinghouse. He had his own little room and shared a kitchen and bath with a bunch of others. We'd visit him there, but only briefly. Most of the time, he visited at our house, watched the boys when I had to work, came over on his days off, fixed my car, etc... This went on for 2-3 months. I started to plan the future, what I would do for money, how I would be alone for the first time in my adult life. It was scary.
Except he never really left. I'm not sure he could. After all, we were the "4 Wahls". We always say it takes 4 Wahls to build a house, cheesy I know... Something always brought him back, but he couldn't commit. He seemed to view me as a threat to his independence. All of a sudden he was bringing chocolates to co-workers and going to pool parties at his manager's house. I was never brought along because I was from that "other world". He worked at a casino with 12,000 employees. It was like a giant high school ,and you could get away with anything. They actually had a Christmas party there where there was alcohol served, but you couldn't bring your spouse, employees only. Many marriages were broken up over those Christmas parties I'm sure.
Finally, one day, he asked if he could come home. I was planning a vacation to Florida with just me and the boys. I'd cashed in all my Home Depot stock to pay for it. He told me that he'd love to come and contribute half the money. I took him up on it, and we had a good time. We reconciled and have been together since. However, it took me a long time to trust him again. I wasn't sure for awhile why exactly he had come back. Was it for me? the boys? or just the old comfort zone thing? I think at first, it might have been a bit of all three.
Now that we're finally settled here in Chaska, some interesting dynamics have taken place. My sons are now older and little by little they are allowed to stay home on their own, giving us some "alone" time. Even if it's just to go grocery shopping or walk the track at the gym, we've been "rediscovering" what it was we liked about each other all those years ago. We have made some great friends who offer to "take the kids" for an evening, and through friends I have rediscovered a lot of things about myself as well. I'm not the same person I was so many years ago, even 5 years ago. I'm not as needy, enjoy other people's company, and really like to do things for myself, and it makes a happier wife and mother.
So lately, we've been getting lots of invites to parties and events. Some I've been going to, but if they're on the weekend, John's been wanting us to have "family days". He works 2 jobs and wants to really spend quality time with the boys and me. I'm sure as his work load slows down, he will reengage in group activities, but we've come full circle. I've grown for myself, and now he wants to be with me whenever he can. Before, I was suffocating him, and now, he's looking for free moments for us.
If you've been reading along so far, you know that for many years now, it's just been "us", the "4 Wahls", the "4 Musketeers" if you will. We did everything together, took the kids everywhere we went. I don't think we had a "date night" until Zachary was 5, and then not another one until he was 10:) We didn't mind though, or else it didn't seem like we minded. All of our conversations were either about work, money, or the kids, just not always in that order. We never thought about going to parties, or movie nights, dancing, anything like that. We worked, homeschooled, took the kids to Scouts and Karate, etc... and just lived life. Except I don't think we were really living for ourselves, we were living for the kids and excluding ourselves.
Then, one day, John came home and told me he was moving out, couldn't stand it anymore, was suffocating. I begged him not to leave, cried, pleaded, everything. He left anyway though, got a room in a boardinghouse. He had his own little room and shared a kitchen and bath with a bunch of others. We'd visit him there, but only briefly. Most of the time, he visited at our house, watched the boys when I had to work, came over on his days off, fixed my car, etc... This went on for 2-3 months. I started to plan the future, what I would do for money, how I would be alone for the first time in my adult life. It was scary.
Except he never really left. I'm not sure he could. After all, we were the "4 Wahls". We always say it takes 4 Wahls to build a house, cheesy I know... Something always brought him back, but he couldn't commit. He seemed to view me as a threat to his independence. All of a sudden he was bringing chocolates to co-workers and going to pool parties at his manager's house. I was never brought along because I was from that "other world". He worked at a casino with 12,000 employees. It was like a giant high school ,and you could get away with anything. They actually had a Christmas party there where there was alcohol served, but you couldn't bring your spouse, employees only. Many marriages were broken up over those Christmas parties I'm sure.
Finally, one day, he asked if he could come home. I was planning a vacation to Florida with just me and the boys. I'd cashed in all my Home Depot stock to pay for it. He told me that he'd love to come and contribute half the money. I took him up on it, and we had a good time. We reconciled and have been together since. However, it took me a long time to trust him again. I wasn't sure for awhile why exactly he had come back. Was it for me? the boys? or just the old comfort zone thing? I think at first, it might have been a bit of all three.
Now that we're finally settled here in Chaska, some interesting dynamics have taken place. My sons are now older and little by little they are allowed to stay home on their own, giving us some "alone" time. Even if it's just to go grocery shopping or walk the track at the gym, we've been "rediscovering" what it was we liked about each other all those years ago. We have made some great friends who offer to "take the kids" for an evening, and through friends I have rediscovered a lot of things about myself as well. I'm not the same person I was so many years ago, even 5 years ago. I'm not as needy, enjoy other people's company, and really like to do things for myself, and it makes a happier wife and mother.
So lately, we've been getting lots of invites to parties and events. Some I've been going to, but if they're on the weekend, John's been wanting us to have "family days". He works 2 jobs and wants to really spend quality time with the boys and me. I'm sure as his work load slows down, he will reengage in group activities, but we've come full circle. I've grown for myself, and now he wants to be with me whenever he can. Before, I was suffocating him, and now, he's looking for free moments for us.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Bowling...
All last year my boys bowled. They've done it for a couple of years now. In the past they were put on the same team and slowly their averages went up. I don't think they really enjoyed being together too much though, because they are together all the time. When we moved down here we started a fresh season. This time the boys were divided by age. Alex got put on a Bantam, or youth, league, while Zachary got put on a junior league. Kids all the way up to 20 can be on this league. This year they really enjoyed it. They each had their own teammates and made friends. They worked for the team and for themselves, trying always to better their scores. That's the great thing about bowling, until you get to 300, you can always improve. Each frame is a fresh start. There's always a handicap too, so that the less proficient bowlers have a chance at a trophy, while individual trophies are given out to the best overall scorers.
When the season ended in April, Zachary wanted to take a break, but a new league opened up- theis time an adult/youth league. Alex still wanted to bowl. I was hesitant, but decided to try it. Usually money is an issue around here, so we don't do alot of things for ourselves (classes, clubs, etc...). We let the kids do things and tell ourselves that our time will come later on. This time though, I really wanted to try. So, we started out 7 weeks ago. There were some really good bowlers there, mostly high school students. They rock! They're all so friendly though. I made the mistake of missing the 2nd week, and when we showed up the next time, we were in 11th place. I was like dang, we're sunk. There is a handicap though, which really does help and give everyone a chance. Over the last 4 weeks we have worked our way back up to 3rd place. Every week is a fresh chance to do well, and you never really know what's going to happen. I just know that I like trying new things, bettering myself, and having fun with my son. I never want to stop any of those three things.
I tend to believe that when we are born we are given a book, but we are all capable of making our own storyline. As long as you keep going, keep experiencing, keep living, your storyline will go on as long as humanly possible. Look at George HW Bush, jumping out of a plane at 85. Once we stop living, stop dreaming, stop trying, sooner or later our storyline comes to an end. Once we are just sedentary over and over, we will be over. So, we should experience as much as we can!
Tomorrow night our team is taking on the 1st place team and we'll do our best!! Go Charmeleons!! (Obviously my team name was picked out by my 11 year old son:) - it's all about Pokemon)
When the season ended in April, Zachary wanted to take a break, but a new league opened up- theis time an adult/youth league. Alex still wanted to bowl. I was hesitant, but decided to try it. Usually money is an issue around here, so we don't do alot of things for ourselves (classes, clubs, etc...). We let the kids do things and tell ourselves that our time will come later on. This time though, I really wanted to try. So, we started out 7 weeks ago. There were some really good bowlers there, mostly high school students. They rock! They're all so friendly though. I made the mistake of missing the 2nd week, and when we showed up the next time, we were in 11th place. I was like dang, we're sunk. There is a handicap though, which really does help and give everyone a chance. Over the last 4 weeks we have worked our way back up to 3rd place. Every week is a fresh chance to do well, and you never really know what's going to happen. I just know that I like trying new things, bettering myself, and having fun with my son. I never want to stop any of those three things.
I tend to believe that when we are born we are given a book, but we are all capable of making our own storyline. As long as you keep going, keep experiencing, keep living, your storyline will go on as long as humanly possible. Look at George HW Bush, jumping out of a plane at 85. Once we stop living, stop dreaming, stop trying, sooner or later our storyline comes to an end. Once we are just sedentary over and over, we will be over. So, we should experience as much as we can!
Tomorrow night our team is taking on the 1st place team and we'll do our best!! Go Charmeleons!! (Obviously my team name was picked out by my 11 year old son:) - it's all about Pokemon)
The Balancing Act...
Summer is starting and as things go forward, I'm realizing just what a balancing act life is. You see, for the last 8 years our family has pretty much lived on our own - we always had a few other family members or acquaintances around, but never formed any true, lasting friendships. When we'd meet people we always tended to put ourselves an arms-length away because we were always afraid that they would let us down in some way, turn on us, leave us... When I say "we" I mean my husband John and me. We've been together since we were 18 and for most of that time, it truly was "us against the world."
Then, we moved here to Chaska and so many things have happened over the last eighteen months. We've met more people and made more friends this year alone than in all the 18 years we've been together. It's just that I still feel like I don't know how to fit in, how if being "me" is good enough, or if I need to put on a show, that that will keep people interested in us. I end up being a bit of a chameleon, and I don't know if that's a good thing. I want everyone to like me, and I'm a pretty good "read" of people, so I can normally jump into any conversation and interact with all sorts- from the trailer park I lived in not more than 2 years to the wealthiest of residents in Prior Lake. Yet, I'm not sure I'm ever really "me".
The truth is I'm varied and different: I believe in God and teach my boys the Bible, yet we don't attend church regularly. I love the movie American Psycho, especially the scene where Patrick Bateman kills Paul Allen while listening to Huey Lewis and the News, yet I love Little Women too. I am a big news junkie, mainly Fox News, but I like to watch Nancy Grace as well. Ikeep up on all kinds of crime news and worry about all the missing children that are reported. I love spending time with my children, playing with them, teaching them, spending time with them. I have no patience for other people's bratty kids. I have a great eye for knowing actors who are in movies, even if it's "guy number 2 with the umbrella", I'll check out his name and remember him next time. I don't like American Idol anymore and think Kate Gosselin is horrible. I really like all my neighbors, even though I got into a shouting match with my neighbor in CT and never thought I'd like any neighbors after that. I love doing volunteer stuff with 4-H and I really like camping and geo-caching. I'd love to go on the Amazing Race someday. I truly believe that when the kids are grown, I will do something to make a greater difference. I will always have empathy for others and will never be exclusive to certain people. I once got so mad I made a crack in my old Geo Metro- I was a horrible pregnant person:)
All of this is me, but too often I think some of me suits some people and not others, while some of me suits the other half and not the others. But, it's all me. I want to be free to express it all. For now, here may be the best place:)
Then, we moved here to Chaska and so many things have happened over the last eighteen months. We've met more people and made more friends this year alone than in all the 18 years we've been together. It's just that I still feel like I don't know how to fit in, how if being "me" is good enough, or if I need to put on a show, that that will keep people interested in us. I end up being a bit of a chameleon, and I don't know if that's a good thing. I want everyone to like me, and I'm a pretty good "read" of people, so I can normally jump into any conversation and interact with all sorts- from the trailer park I lived in not more than 2 years to the wealthiest of residents in Prior Lake. Yet, I'm not sure I'm ever really "me".
The truth is I'm varied and different: I believe in God and teach my boys the Bible, yet we don't attend church regularly. I love the movie American Psycho, especially the scene where Patrick Bateman kills Paul Allen while listening to Huey Lewis and the News, yet I love Little Women too. I am a big news junkie, mainly Fox News, but I like to watch Nancy Grace as well. Ikeep up on all kinds of crime news and worry about all the missing children that are reported. I love spending time with my children, playing with them, teaching them, spending time with them. I have no patience for other people's bratty kids. I have a great eye for knowing actors who are in movies, even if it's "guy number 2 with the umbrella", I'll check out his name and remember him next time. I don't like American Idol anymore and think Kate Gosselin is horrible. I really like all my neighbors, even though I got into a shouting match with my neighbor in CT and never thought I'd like any neighbors after that. I love doing volunteer stuff with 4-H and I really like camping and geo-caching. I'd love to go on the Amazing Race someday. I truly believe that when the kids are grown, I will do something to make a greater difference. I will always have empathy for others and will never be exclusive to certain people. I once got so mad I made a crack in my old Geo Metro- I was a horrible pregnant person:)
All of this is me, but too often I think some of me suits some people and not others, while some of me suits the other half and not the others. But, it's all me. I want to be free to express it all. For now, here may be the best place:)
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