Coming out the other side...

A few minutes ago I read a pretty compelling piece from a friend's blog. She's been going through a difficult marital time, but seems to be turning a corner. I hope so anyway and wish them all the best. What she wrote reminded me of my own separation, some 5 years ago.
If you've been reading along so far, you know that for many years now, it's just been "us", the "4 Wahls", the "4 Musketeers" if you will. We did everything together, took the kids everywhere we went. I don't think we had a "date night" until Zachary was 5, and then not another one until he was 10:) We didn't mind though, or else it didn't seem like we minded. All of our conversations were either about work, money, or the kids, just not always in that order. We never thought about going to parties, or movie nights, dancing, anything like that. We worked, homeschooled, took the kids to Scouts and Karate, etc... and just lived life. Except I don't think we were really living for ourselves, we were living for the kids and excluding ourselves.
Then, one day, John came home and told me he was moving out, couldn't stand it anymore, was suffocating. I begged him not to leave, cried, pleaded, everything. He left anyway though, got a room in a boardinghouse. He had his own little room and shared a kitchen and bath with a bunch of others. We'd visit him there, but only briefly. Most of the time, he visited at our house, watched the boys when I had to work, came over on his days off, fixed my car, etc... This went on for 2-3 months. I started to plan the future, what I would do for money, how I would be alone for the first time in my adult life. It was scary.
Except he never really left. I'm not sure he could. After all, we were the "4 Wahls". We always say it takes 4 Wahls to build a house, cheesy I know... Something always brought him back, but he couldn't commit. He seemed to view me as a threat to his independence. All of a sudden he was bringing chocolates to co-workers and going to pool parties at his manager's house. I was never brought along because I was from that "other world". He worked at a casino with 12,000 employees. It was like a giant high school ,and you could get away with anything. They actually had a Christmas party there where there was alcohol served, but you couldn't bring your spouse, employees only. Many marriages were broken up over those Christmas parties I'm sure.
Finally, one day, he asked if he could come home. I was planning a vacation to Florida with just me and the boys. I'd cashed in all my Home Depot stock to pay for it. He told me that he'd love to come and contribute half the money. I took him up on it, and we had a good time. We reconciled and have been together since. However, it took me a long time to trust him again. I wasn't sure for awhile why exactly he had come back. Was it for me? the boys? or just the old comfort zone thing? I think at first, it might have been a bit of all three.
Now that we're finally settled here in Chaska, some interesting dynamics have taken place. My sons are now older and little by little they are allowed to stay home on their own, giving us some "alone" time. Even if it's just to go grocery shopping or walk the track at the gym, we've been "rediscovering" what it was we liked about each other all those years ago. We have made some great friends who offer to "take the kids" for an evening, and through friends I have rediscovered a lot of things about myself as well. I'm not the same person I was so many years ago, even 5 years ago. I'm not as needy, enjoy other people's company, and really like to do things for myself, and it makes a happier wife and mother.
So lately, we've been getting lots of invites to parties and events. Some I've been going to, but if they're on the weekend, John's been wanting us to have "family days". He works 2 jobs and wants to really spend quality time with the boys and me. I'm sure as his work load slows down, he will reengage in group activities, but we've come full circle. I've grown for myself, and now he wants to be with me whenever he can. Before, I was suffocating him, and now, he's looking for free moments for us.