Summer is starting and as things go forward, I'm realizing just what a balancing act life is. You see, for the last 8 years our family has pretty much lived on our own - we always had a few other family members or acquaintances around, but never formed any true, lasting friendships. When we'd meet people we always tended to put ourselves an arms-length away because we were always afraid that they would let us down in some way, turn on us, leave us... When I say "we" I mean my husband John and me. We've been together since we were 18 and for most of that time, it truly was "us against the world."
Then, we moved here to Chaska and so many things have happened over the last eighteen months. We've met more people and made more friends this year alone than in all the 18 years we've been together. It's just that I still feel like I don't know how to fit in, how if being "me" is good enough, or if I need to put on a show, that that will keep people interested in us. I end up being a bit of a chameleon, and I don't know if that's a good thing. I want everyone to like me, and I'm a pretty good "read" of people, so I can normally jump into any conversation and interact with all sorts- from the trailer park I lived in not more than 2 years to the wealthiest of residents in Prior Lake. Yet, I'm not sure I'm ever really "me".
The truth is I'm varied and different: I believe in God and teach my boys the Bible, yet we don't attend church regularly. I love the movie American Psycho, especially the scene where Patrick Bateman kills Paul Allen while listening to Huey Lewis and the News, yet I love Little Women too. I am a big news junkie, mainly Fox News, but I like to watch Nancy Grace as well. Ikeep up on all kinds of crime news and worry about all the missing children that are reported. I love spending time with my children, playing with them, teaching them, spending time with them. I have no patience for other people's bratty kids. I have a great eye for knowing actors who are in movies, even if it's "guy number 2 with the umbrella", I'll check out his name and remember him next time. I don't like American Idol anymore and think Kate Gosselin is horrible. I really like all my neighbors, even though I got into a shouting match with my neighbor in CT and never thought I'd like any neighbors after that. I love doing volunteer stuff with 4-H and I really like camping and geo-caching. I'd love to go on the Amazing Race someday. I truly believe that when the kids are grown, I will do something to make a greater difference. I will always have empathy for others and will never be exclusive to certain people. I once got so mad I made a crack in my old Geo Metro- I was a horrible pregnant person:)
All of this is me, but too often I think some of me suits some people and not others, while some of me suits the other half and not the others. But, it's all me. I want to be free to express it all. For now, here may be the best place:)
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You make me smile :)
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