2010 Resolution: No Looking Back and Experiencing Everything!

Well, that's it. Put a cork in the 2000's. They are officially OVER! For me, it was a decade of major extremes. At the beginning of 2000 I was hosting a New Year's Eve party in Rhode Island for a few family and friends. Tonight I went to a party hosted by a good friend and celebrated with people who have become like family to me. Life is a weird thing because I find that I actually become happier as I get older. I know people who don't seem to want to age, wish that they could "relive the glory days" so to speak. I don't want to do that. I like where we are right now as a family and where I am for myself. I am eager to get started with 2010 and all that it has to offer. We were joking with the kids that they are entering their third decade on this earth. Zachary was shocked and said he felt old. Then I told him that I was entering my fifth, that I will be 40 in 3 and a half years. He snickered.

10 years ago I would have been so scared of that, aging. Now, I feel wiser for having lived. If I had told you 20 years ago that I would be homeschooling in Minnesota, no one would have believed me. If I told you 10 years ago that we'd be partying in Minnesota on a below zero New Year's Eve, no one would have believed me. Anything is possible and I am looking forward to trying all that I can. Next week I am going to start teaching Latin to about 15-20 kids for our Friday co-op. I'm terrified to be honest. I know that I've taught both of my sons Latin, but they are stuck with what I come with. What if these kids are bored or miserable? Latin is not the most exciting class in the world. Nonetheless I'm looking forward to it, the chance to teach and work with children. I don't know if I will ever be a "teacher" in the sense of a education degree, etc..., so this is a great opportunity for me.

Other resolutions I have for this year, decade:

1. To really work on my weight again. Over the past six months, I really dropped the ball. Remarkably, I didn't gain any weight, just didn't lose any. I want to drop 30 pounds in the next year or so. I want to shed my Diabetes by myself, so I am not stuck taking Glucophage for the rest of my life.

2. I want to finish homeschooling my boys. I want to take it to the end and help them get into college or whatever they want to do. I don't want to pressure them into certain schools or certain careers. I just want to help them.

3. I want to see the boys become great men- boys who drive (AHHHHHHH!!), boys who date, boys who love and respect their parents and friends, boys who work hard for the things they will attain.

4. I want to write my book. I know, I know. It's been talked about to death, but now I finally have a plan and will make it happen. I'm ready.

5. I want to go to Europe on my 25th wedding anniversary (2019). It'll happen.

6. I want to go to Florida this fall and see the new Harry Potter area at Universal Studios- it might one of our last chances at a family trip unencumbered by jobs, college, etc...

7. I'd love another chance at a house. It may have to wait a few more years, but that's ok. It'll be all the sweeter later.

A couple of things that aren't going to happen this decade. I don't think they'll be any more children in our future. I would have liked it. We saw the most adorable baby tonight, a little boy, and I turned to John and asked him, "one more baby?", and in his ever conscientious way, he said, "no more babies." He's got this crazy notion that we shouldn't have more children than we can adequately provide for. Silly, I know. I also don't plan on going anywhere near a 20th high school reunion in 2011, It just doesn't interest me in the least. I don't want to look back; I want to go forward. I'm so happy to talk to several people on Facebook from "the old days" and if I ever went "home" maybe we could get together, but not in a reunion setting. I'm just not going to be nostalgic this decade; I want to live in the now. Happy New Year!!

Time...

Time just ticks away, the one constant in our lives. I haven't blogged in months. I'm not sure why; I just felt at a standstill. I didn't think that I was writing about my honest feelings about things anymore, just fluff, that I couldn't share what I was feeling, or people wouldn't accept me. Over the last few months I have felt a peace that I haven't felt in... well, maybe, forever. I've just come to terms with my life, reconciled the past, and think I've come out the better for it.
For years I lived in the shadow of two ghosts. Everything I did, every action I took, every emotion I had was based on how I thought my mother and father would react. I wanted their approval so badly in life that I continued that seeking long after they were gone. You see, I was an only child for the first 8 years of my life, a fact that led me to be a bit of a brat, always with a good heart, but a brat nonetheless, lol. They had such high expectations for me. I was smart, but never the smartest. I was pretty enough, but not the prettiest. I was always slow in the socializing department and didn't even want to go away to college - shocking, I know. I grew up feeling that while I was good at many things, I was never the best at anything. For most, that would be ok, but for me, I felt I was a dissapointment. That dissappointment made me angry, and eventually I stopped caring about things like grades, colleges, etc...I'd never have the best, so why bother. I'd like nothing better than to go to a movie by myself and not have to deal with the pressures I felt. So, I rebelled in a big way, met a guy and moved to California. Now the California move was actually NOT because of my mother, but because of issues the guy had with his family. Still though, I was even more of a disappointment at that time because I had quit college. I got married and was pregnant, 7 months pregnant, when my mother died. My dad had died 7 years previously. I was so upset I thought I would die. I couldn't believe that they had left me, it was a huge void.
As time went on I started working overtime to be perfect. I wanted to be the perfect mother, the perfect housekeeper, the perfect wife, etc, etc... No matter how hard I tried though, I couldn't attain this goal, and I became depressed all over again. The house would get messy, John and I would fight, sometimes terribly, and I gained weight. I never smoked or drank much, but food was my friend. I remember being 12 years old and I'd eaten a bowl of popcorn, a small bowl really, and I was still hungry. As I headed for the cupboard, I heard my dad snorting like a pig, saying "keep it up, piggy". I was so ashamed that I ran to my room, crying. I didn't eat anymore that day, but I never forgot, and when I wanted to feel good about myself in the future, I would eat. So, during my 20's life was pretty up and down and I felt very alone- we moved alot, and I didn't have many friends at all, just John and the kids. We always thought that was ok, but it really wasn't, we only had each other to vent our frustrations on, and we'd hurt each other as we'd try to make it through. Sometimes I marvel that we are still together today. I was resigned that my parents would just probably be disappointed in me forever.
Then, we moved to Minnesota, and the weirdest thing happened: I truly got a chance to build a new life, to have a fresh start. We've lived in three different places since we've been here, three vastly different settings. Yet in all of them, I've made friends. People seem to really like me here, and I was never used to that. I just assumed sooner or later they wouldn't. But they did. My in-laws liked me too and actually didn't put me down. They were welcoming to us. Still are. Little by little we built a life here, a good one. Not one that is rich in money, that's for sure, lol, but one that is rich in experiences, friendships, and love, better than anything money can buy. I finally, finally realized after 15 years, that I'd been living in the past. I used to think things like, "if my Mom were here, would I have the courage to homeschool?", "would I have left RI?", etc... You know what though, I've done a good job. I want to scream it from the roof, I've done a good job!!! I'm not out to impress anybody anymore. I don't have any anger at anybody either. This year, I've developed some new relationships with family I never knew I had, and even reestablished some connections I thought were broken forever. I know there are a couple of people that I'd love to be close to, but I've decided at this point, a person can only do so much. You can't force people to feel, they will when it's right for them, and you know what, I'll be here.
I 've learned that I am the person that I always wanted to be, that I am very happy with myself, my marriage, my boys, and all the wonderful people I get to share my life with. I realize that my parents loved me, but it's no longer my job to impress them. I've impressed myself, and finally, that's enough.

Snakes...

Snakes. I have always been strangely fascinated by these creatures. When I was little, I loved going to Roger Williams Park and peeking at the anaconda they had there. It was kept in the Reptile house in the entryway. It was always dark in that hallway, so it was especially creepy. I also would get scared in a "happy" way when snakes would show up in movies. I remember seeing "Romancing the Stone" in the theater and there is a scene where Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas are sitting in front of a fire in the Amazon jungle. All of a sudden a long snake sneaks up behind her hanging from a tree. She screamed, he killed it, and voila! Their dinner is served.
I think the thing that was interesting to me was that I never saw one in the"wild", never saw one up close, unless it was at the Science Museum or someone brought one to a school function. Then, I'd get shy and touch it quickly.
The first time I ever saw a snake "up close" was when we were living in Florida. Zachary was very little- 2 or 3. We owned our little yellow house then (sigh), with its big tree, big yard, and newly planted orange trees. There was a wood pile in front of the utility shed. Zachary had a pool set up there and a play area. I'd always play with him out there after breakfast til close to lunch time. One day we were sitting and he pointed to something over my shoulder, "Snake!" he said in his little boy voice. At first I dismissed him, because nothing like that would be in my yard, right? After multiple "Snakes", I turned and sure enough a long yellow and blake snake was sunbathing on the wood pile, just looking at me. I was so shocked I didn't know what to do. So, I grabbed Zachary, and we ran into the house. I called John, who was driving a taxi then and would often stop home for lunch. I called and said "There's a snake, and you need to come home NOW!" Of course, it turned out that this snake was not poisonous at all, just a garter snake type thing, but it freaked me out. My hero came home, but the snake was long gone.
A few months after that, soon after Alex was born, I had just put him down for a nap when I happened to look out the front window towards the driveway. Two snakes this time- doing that certain activity that all creatures like to engage in- right there in open. I sighed, closed up the windows, and ran off to the phone. This time, my hero did not come home, but the snakes disappeared again. A couple of months later, we headed north to RI (NOT because of snakes, lol), and didn't see any for a long time. I thought I was cool though, because I had stories to tell.
Since then, I've seen many more snakes. Some were in Connecticut- on hiking trails, in the water at a local pond I thought I might have seen a baby water moccasin, etc... Now here in Minnesota I've seen plenty this summer. About a month ago, we went to Kathio State Park to go fishing. It was really crowded, so some of the kids there were playing in the reeds and found some snakes, more non-poisonous ones, but really long, 4-5ft. They would grab it by it's tail, then let it go and watch it get annoyed. One little girl got too close, and the next thing you know she got bit. It was really her own fault, but it was scary nonetheless. She was crying and that family left.
Then a couple of weeks ago we went camping. During the week we did several geo-caching hunts. When you find a cache, there is usually a booklet to sign, letting the owner know that you have been by. On one particular hunt, we went into this big field with tall grasses. After awhile, we found the cache under a big log. Alex found it- he's always so fast and ahead of us on these things. Anyway, when we signed the book, a lady had written from the day before to please be careful, because her little girl had just gotten bit by a long snake. Yikes! We booked it out of therre, but didn't see anything ourselves.
And so, my fascination continues, from a distance hopefully. I've yet to see "Snakes on a Plane" and doubt I will anytime soon...

College...

Last night, I got caught up in one of those Hallmark channel movies. It was called, "Mrs. Washington Goes to Smith", the opposite title of that old Jimmy Stewart movie. It was about this woman who was recently divorced, had quit college to get married and raise a family. She helped her husband through Dental School, only to have him leave her for a younger woman. Her kids were both in college themselves, and she was all alone. So, she decided to finish up her degree at Smith College and planned to live in the dorms there, even though she was in her mid-50's. She was planning on a single room, but by some mistake she ended up with a 20-year-old roommate, and from there, hijinks ensued. It was one of those movies that could easily be forgettable, no crazy plot twists, all the characters were pretty likeable, but I found myself really enjoying it, thinking "Hey, I want to do that, that looks like fun!"
You see, when I graduated high school I didn't go right to a dorm and "away". I was supposed to. I'd been accepted to the University of New Hampshire in Durham, and went to the orientation weekend earlier in the summer, etc... I actually drove myself in my little VW Rabbit. that I adored. After that something happened to me. I can't explain it, just some kind of emotional breakdown. I became increasingly panicked about the idea of moving away. I started hanging out with my mom more, doing things with my little brother. My mom thought I should talk to a therapist, but that didn't help at all, especially when the therapist suggested that I bring my mom in for some joint sessions. No way! I said, I can handle this myself. Eventually my classmates started to go off to school, and I stayed home. I ended up at the University of Rhode Island instead. I did want to live in a dorm , but they were all full at that time. So, I drove every day, early in the morning, to get to my 8am Astronomy class and would stay there all day. I joined the Debate team so I'd have something extra to do, but it's pretty hard to make friends on campus when you are 45 minutes out of the loop. I actually didn't mind though, it was like a self-imposed exile that I needed. I did everything on my own, went to the movies by myself, learned alot. My mom though, was not happy. This was not the college experience that she envisioned for me. I don't know what she envisioned- "Animal House", I don't know, but this was one mom that wanted her daughter to party and have fun, remaining celibate, of course:) Realistic much?
So, by the end of that first year. I had had enough and was more than ready to go away. I decided to go to Northeastern in Boston. When I got there I fell in love with the dorm and the city. My dorm, Smith Hall, was full of transfer students, most of whom were a year or two older than me. My roommate was from New Jersey, and she was already 21. I was still 18 that September, but turned 19 shortly after. I remember the first or second night on campus, all the floor wanted to go to a bar, and they gave me a fake id. I was so nervous because I'd never gone to one before. The guy looked at it, looked at me, and gave it back. I looked NOTHING like the girl on the license, but it worked. I made some good friends there and as the fall went on, really got into school. In some ways, I think I was like a kid sister to most of the guys. Our dorm was really old, so the rooms were all different sizes and a door closed 6 rooms off to the rest of the floor, so we were our own little area, hanging out, watching movies, drinking, etc... I didn't drink that much because I knew what would happen if I did- I'd get drunk and act like a fool, which is why I don't drink much now.
If it wasn't for one person, I know I would have finished school: John, and believe me, it is NOT a regret, just a fact. I had met him the summer before at a sandwich shop in RI and we cliqued right away, became inseparable. When I left for Boston, I knew that we could end things, go casual, that that's what lots of other people would do. Not me though. I knew I wanted the distance relationship, so my time was always conflicted. I went home alot of weekends. Again, my mom got sick of me coming home, wanting me to "experience college" and not worry about home, etc... etc... Did I listen? No, I just spent the weekend at John's house, sleeping in his sister's room.
By April of that school year, I was done with my year at Northeastern and getting ready for an internship at a newspaper in Bristol, RI. Northeastern's great at helping people get internships to help further a career later. John, meanwhile, was having increasing difficulties in his own home life and wanted to leave, go to California, where he had friends from when he spent the previous year at USC. He never begged me to go with him, probably didn't even think it was the right thing for me to do, but I loved him. So, finally after one pretty big fight with his mother, he said tonight was the night, he wasn't going back, and did I want to come? I didn't hesitate. We left and nothing was ever the same. First we went to Myrtle Beach to try to get jobs there, but we had nowhere to live. A couple of weeks later we came back and I saw my mom. She was not happy, of course, but I'd been calling her while I was on the road. Finally, we decided to go to Cali and try to make it out there. We took the Greyhound Bus and arrived there 4 days later. We got jobs and made a go of it for 8 months, until we realized we wanted more for ourselves than renting a room in someone's house, asking mall patrons what they thought of the new Hanes Underwear packages that had just come out. We had fun though, going to Hollywood, Mann's Chinese Theatre, Disneyland, Knott's Berry Farm. I remember going to Knott's Berry Farm on my 20th birthday because it was free for anyone whose birthday it was. Then for dinner we went to Denny's because that was free if it was your birthday as well!
So, eventually we got married and had kids and the thought of going back to college got further and further away. Lately though, it's been creeping back up, getting closer and closer. Since I'm married, I guess I won't do the dorm thing (darn!), but I definitely like the idea of campus life, finishing what I started. I think I'll be either a social worker or a teacher. It might still be awhile, because I'm still focusing on the boys, but it's getting closer...

Then what????????????

Last night the four of us went downtown to check out Chaska River Days, the town's annual festival. There was food and music, games, and craft sales. As we started looking around the park, the kids started asking for this and that, money for games, snacks, etc... John can get claustrophobic pretty quickly and he was already thinking about heading back to the car. I was like, "no, we just got here." In the old days that might have led to a tense exchange, with someone going off to the car to pout. This time though, I took a deep breath, took out my wallet, gave each boy $10 and set down the blankets and chairs. Then us "old folks" sat down and enjoyed the band that was playing. I made sure the boys stayed together and then relaxed. At the intermission we had funnel cakes (doughboys to all my RI peeps) and the boys returned. Alex had a strawberry smoothie with the little umbrella and Zachary had a little mystical wizard staue and a bandana to wear so he could be "cool". We ended up having a nice time. It hit me though that things are changing. Slowly but surely my boys are growing up, and are becoming capable.
When we got home afterwards, we passed by a neighbor lady from down the way. Zachary stopped to pet her dog and as they left, the lady said to the puppy, "That Zachary, he's one of your favorite friends." Tonight, he was riding his bike around and ended up visiting with "the grillers", these men who seem to have endless amounts of time on their hands to hang out and do just that- grill, and grill some more. When he got back, he had barbecue sauce on his cheeks and had finished up an ear of corn. He said I'd been offered some corn as well, but that he often gets offered a piece of chicken or a hamburger. Then he went back out and rode some more, after asking me of course when our dinner would be ready. It just made me smile that all these people have such a good impression of my son, and I hadn't realized it.
Last week when we went camping to Camden State Park, I had the best time ever. I truly feel like it was the best vacation ever- better than Disney World, Hershey, Las Vegas, etc... Those were all great destination places and we saw a lot while there, but this time we truly enjoyed "each other". We ate every meal together, enjoyed cooking them as well. In the end that $25 cookstove came in handy. Sure we visited some sights, but we were relaxed about it. We went to Pipestone National Monument and looked at the rocks the Dakota dig into to get the material they need to make pipes; we saw bison in a natural setting and the cliffs they may have been pushed off 150 years ago. We hiked both for fun and to collect more of the little Geocaching cards all the state parks are giving away. I think one of my fondest memories was when we all fished in the Redwood River, off one of the hiking trails at the park, just this little out of the way place. There were railroad tracks high above, and along that cliff wall were all holes that the birds had created right into the wall. They'd just zoom in and out. We all caught some trout that day, rainbow trout. We put them all back because we just like catching them, but it was one of those memories that will last forever. As the trip ended and we had to head back to reality, I wondered how many more trips we would take as our little family of four?
I guess what I realized tonight is that I think I've done a good job. I agree with the poet who said to take "the road less travelled". We have and I wouldn't trade it for anything. But then what? My goal has always been to raise the kids, to be there for them and watch them grow, but then what? I'm thinking that when Zachary turns 18 I'll only be 39 and 42 when Alex turns 18. Both boys, grown, when I'm still pretty young. I guess the next step would be a career for myself and lots of time for me and John. Hopefully, we won't kill each other. I picked up this book at the library, 1,000 Places to See Before You Die in the US and Canada. Some great spots to check out, some I've actually already been to. I have the book 1,000 PLaces to See in the World Before You Die, but let's be honest, unless you win a huge mega-lotto, you can't ever accomplishment but a fraction of that list. The US book might be semi-practical. Now, I just have to plan to live to be 110:) Good news though, I have lost 2 more pounds- 12 since November, every little bit helps.

Starting Fresh...

I just read the most insightful blog about freeing ourselves from worry and just going with the moment, being true to ourselves and being happy. I think that this is the very ideal that I have been seeking for myself for years now, yet it always eludes me.

The truth is that I am and for as long as I can remember, been a worrier. I started searching for colleges to apply to in the beginning of 10th grade and worried about getting into them as soon as I found them. I tried to fill my schedule with all the grades, activities, volunteerism that I could think of so that I'd be accepted. In the end I did get accepted to 5 out of 6 colleges, but then I never finished. I think I burnt myself out. I wish now that I'd actually taken a year off to work or travel, to explore myself and the world around me.

Now, in my mind, history is starting to repeat itself. My son is about to enter high school and as a homeschooling family, I am worrying about college already. "Will I be able to make a nice enough transcript?", "Will I prepare him enough for the SAT's?", "Is he in enough clubs?", "Is he in too many clubs?" I'm actually planning to teach 1 class today, the day before we are going camping so I can feel "good about myself".

Starting around that same time, 10th grade or so, I began the bizarre practice of "starting fresh". Basically what that means is that whenever I found myself getting mad at somebody, or after I actually did do something wrong, screw up in some way, hurt someone's feelings, etc... I would stand where no one could see me, throw my hands up over my shoulders, and basically cleanse myself. I would block out anything negative and start all over again, like it never happened. Of course, the consequences of my actions still had to be dealt with, but I acted like the event had never happened, I didn't know what people are talking about, etc... It could be anything- a bad grade, a fight with my mom, etc...

As I got older, I continued doing this, until my husband realized what I was doing and helped me see that we don't have to "forget" the negative, but grow from it. Over time, I have become very aware of my strengths as well as my shortcomings. Yes, I am a very loyal friend, yes, I am very organized, yes, I have a pretty bad temper on occasion, yes, I can be the neighborhood mom, yes, I want all the kids to disappear on occasion. It's all me.

What I want now though is to stop panicking about the little things in my life. We are planning to be away for the next week, camping down in the southwest pocket of Minnesota at a place called Camden State Park. It's not very far from Walnut Grove where Laura Ingalls lived, and I've always wanted to go there, as well as DeSmet, SD, where we might visit as well. Well, over the last week, we spent a little more than we intended with Zachary's birthday, 4th of July stuff as well. It's just always a very busy week, and since money is always an issue with us, we had to reassess our camping plans.

We redid the budget and decided it was still ok to go, that we should be low-key this weekend, then go and enjoy ourselves. This morning when John came home he brought some supplies, as well as a cookstove so we could fry up meats and vegetables without having to build a fire. Firewood can get pretty expensive at the state parks, so we want to have fires sparingly. Instead of being thrilled that we had a new gadget to help us out, I got annoyed that he had spent the $25 on it. I knew I was being irrational, but we were supposed to be careful. I ended up apologizing, and he went to bed. I just get frustrated with myself. If I can't be content in the woods, in nature, when can I be?

I guess I worry if my priorities are out of whack. Last year we wanted to take the kids on a cross-country type trip, through somewhere we had never been. We ended up staying in Las Vegas, but going through the Rocky Mountains as well, visiting Hoover Dam, etc... We realize the kids are getting older and there may not be too many of these family trips now, so we are creating as many memories as we can now? But then it's like, what about house savings money, college, etc...Should we really plan so many fun activities? On the other hand, I tell myself, when I die someday, the kids aren't going to care as much where we lived or how much I gave them, as much as our experiences and the love we shared. If all we did was save, we'd never experience. Above all else, I want to experience everything!

My boys...

Usually my blogs tend to run schmaltzy, sentimental. I just think that's my personality. I love writing and when I am writing an honest blog, which is what I promised myself I would do here, I can become overwhelmed with emotion. Last night, we were driving home from Lake Waconia where we had gone swimming, played in the sand, etc... I was looking up at an almost full moon and some incredibly sad song came on the radio. I just started thinking of my mother, what was she doing on this Fourth of July evening in heaven, and I just burst into tears. It's been 14 years, but that loss is always present.
When we got home, 2 little girls came running up to the car. When Alex, my 11 year-old got out of the car, they immediately started grabbing him, telling him he had to go back to jail. It was some game they had been playing before we went to the lake. Earlier in the weekend, I noticed the same two girls chasing him around the house, over and over again. He just laughed, not minding the attention.
While we were eating lunch another friend of his came by, this time a boy. He wanted Alex to come out and play, while also mentioning that there were a couple of girls at the playground who had been asking about him, a different couple of girls from the previously mentioned jail wardens.
When we lived in Pierz, a couple of years ago, Alex was just 8, and his brother was 11. There was a 9 year old girl named Asia there. She always made her way over to our house, to sit by Alex, to "argue" with him, to squirt water at him, whatever. For the most part I thought she was harmless, until one day I overheard her talking about different sexual positions. After that, I realized that she was a little too sophisticated for my guy, and that was the end of that. Her half sister though, had always had a crush on our neighbor's son, but then he moved. So, guess who was next in line for her affections: Alex.
Now in Chaska, I know that there are two or three girls in our homeschool groups who think fondly of him. A couple follow him around, while one always runs the other way when he's around. It's sweet really, but I just know when he's a teenager I'll need those eyes in the back of head. Of the two of them, he's the one I'm going to have to watch out for, the troublemaker:)
Now I'm off to go out and buy birthday presents for my oldest son, Zachary, who will be 14 on Thursday. That one is also making me very emotional and ties back in with my mother. She died just two months before he was born, and all of our lives changed forever. I truly believe Zachary was a gift from God though, so I wouldn't have to endure that loss alone. I do believe that when one family member dies, somewhere else there seems to be a birth soon after or right before. Looking back on our family tree, that's happened a bunch of times. Z's been my rock on many occasions when he shouldn't have had to be, my little protector, my little hard-working, responsible guy. We have an unbreakable bond.

Sunday morning ramblings...

I love Sundays:) I love them because it is the one day of the week that I allow myself to sleep until whenever, and the one day I try not to plan too many activities so we can do whatever we feel like as a family. John's schedule is a little different than most because he works the grave shift- midnight to 8:30am, and his days off are Mondays and Tuesdays, but since he works grave, it is like he has all Sunday afternoon and evening off as well.
So I got up at 11 this morning, had breakfast, and checked my Facebook page. I was just browsing, looking at my assorted friends. I started to think what it would be like if all of these people were actually in one big room together, how interesting that would be. There are some people on the list that I just saw Thursday, while others I have not seen in some 25 years.
Now John thinks Facebook is silly. The way he sees it, if you really had a connection with a person, really cared about them, you'd have made the effort to know where they were all the time, and not need to "find" them on Facebook. I didn't really agree with that though, because many things happen in our lives to throw us off track, where we could lose contact. Moving, for one, will definitely change things, going off to college is another one. Or maybe you just have good memories of a person and want to say hi to them, whether you will ever really "hang" with them again.
I started my Facebook page about a year ago, and I had a pretty healthy mix of new friends in Minnesota, and some of my closest friends from high school days. I thought that reconnecting with these people would be good because we could reestablish friendships, etc... From there, the list grew to include many different people, some that I contacted, some who surprised me with a friend invite. Different friends from elementary school, junior high, my oldest friend from when I was like 2, my college roommate, a couple guys I had crushes on, and now even some people that I consider to be "family", as well as some actual new, blood-related family members, which has been such a gift for me.
I notice some people seem to be friend "collectors". I call them that because they seem to have an abundance of friends- 300, 600, 1,000, but you rarely see people post on their pages, really show an interest in that person. It's like "I brushed by you in the hall on May 12, 1990- will you be my Facebook friend?" That person might say yes to be nice, then that's it. I don't want that. I have 90 friends, not overly popular, but a pleasant number. There's not one person on that list that I wouldn't wish a Happy Birthday to or comment on their posts. However, there have been a couple people that have friended me, then never said anything to me. That kind of annoys me, because maybe you shouldn't have asked me at all. I'm not a collector, I just want to talk to people.
So, in the end, the people that I talk to the most are the people I see the most, which makes sense. But then, after that, the people I talk to tend to be my friends from my junior high days, and elementary school. At the end of high school, I wasn't really that close to them, or they left school to go somewhere else. Now we are talking more, reconnecting, and it's nice, and the people that I considered my closest friends from those days, I barely talk to, just a birthday greeting or whatever. It's an interesting dynamic- maybe John has a point:)

Feelings...

If you've been reading along, you know that I have made a lot of new friends over the past year and a half. With that always comes a lot of good things, but also issues to deal with. Lately, there have been concerns about hurting people's feelings or they themselves have been hurt by others.
Sadly, I think that it is almost unavoidable to go through this life, if you are being honest, without hurting feelings. The older we get, the more baggage we bring to our relationships, the more likes and dislikes we have. After a few meetings with people, it can become apparent that some people you will have alot in common with, while others you will just see peripherally. You might very well like these people, but have nothing in common with them. Sometimes, it can take longer. There's several people I am really enjoying getting to know now, that I wasn't sure I was going to click with originally.
So, with time relationships progress, and this is where I wrote in a previously blog, that the "real" me comes out. Then people have to decide, do they like that person, or is it better to be friends in passing. Over the winter I had a situation with a friend whom I really like, her children were great, and we were spending some evenings together. The problem for us ended up being religion. She's very involved with her church, and I am not so much. She's Protestant and I'm Catholic, but even then I don't go to church regularly. I don't believe that I have to sit in a building and hand over money every week to prove my love to God. I like to pray with the kids and teach them the Bible. Then, let them come to their own conclusions. It got to the point that each time I saw my friend, she was inviting me to her church, talking to me about their programs, etc... It really started to annoy me. I finally told her that I enjoyed being her friend, but that I would not be joining her church, ever, and that she should stop asking me about it. After that, things were a bit tense for a couple of months, we didn't see each other that much. Now, things are back to normal, and they just visited this week, without the church talk. The point of this story is to illustrate that I had to speak up or I wouldn't have been honest with myself. The me from 10 years ago probably would have visited her church for a number of weeks, worked myself up into a tizzy, and then cut all ties with her and other members of the homeschool group we belong to. Luckily, I have grown and have learned to speak up.
So, the bottom line is we all have to be honest with ourselves. If we enjoy spending time with certain people more than others, that's okay! If we don't want to hang out for a couple weeks, if we need to pull back, that's okay too! If we like a large variety of different people, that's okay! I have two very different homeschool groups and you know what, I love all the moms there, but don't agree with everybody in either one all the time- that's okay!
When I was in 4th grade I had my last birthday party- yes, my mother actually told me after that I was too old for parties- sigh... There were about 11 girls in the class. I wanted to invite them all, except one. This girl I barely spoke to, and when I did, it wasn't pretty. When I filled out the invitations I left her off the list. My mom though, had a copy of the class list and saw this omission. "No, no," she said, "You have to invite all the girls, it's only fair. You wouldn't want to hurt someone's feelings. You have to show empathy." Blah, blah, I thought, but I did it anyway. You know what? 10 girls came and 1 didn't. Go figure...

The Laundrymat...

We don't have a washer and dryer in our house. There are various laundry rooms scattered around the property. I just don't use them because I find that the dryers just aren't effective. It takes two or three runs for the clothes to finish up. So, instead, every 10 days John and I alternate the laundry- he does it every third Tuesday morning and I go every third Friday night. It's a good system because then nobody gets stuck with that job too often.
I used to go with the kids and they'd be bored or bring their DS to play with, then get bored. Now, the kids always help me load up the car and unload the car when I return. They don't need to come anymore and honestly, I'm glad. I find that this "free" time that I have there has become such a peaceful experience for me. It takes me about 2 and a half hours to get everything washed, dried, and folded. I use the time to think about life, make plans, journal, get gas, go to the market, grab a snack, etc... It's just "my" time and that feels good.
I used to think that if I didn't want to be with the kids all the time, that I was not a caring Mom. Now I realize that that's totally normal and part of everyone's growing experience. Even though we homeschool, maybe especially because we do, we need that time apart, to enjoy all the time we spend together. I think though that homeschooling has helped to keep our family close.
Monday, the 4 of us went to Lake Waconia for the afternoon. Most of us ended up with a sunburn, but it was a blast. We swam and dunked each other. The guys built sand houses, and we had a picnic. When I finally braved the chilly water, the boys were excited to have me there. They splashed me and we horse-played, etc... I looked around at all the people there, many of them were teenagers like Zachary. Most of them didn't have any parents with them, and many of them, if they did, were swimming far away from their parents. Mine were right there though, wanting me in the mix. It was just such a nice feeling. If my kids haven't reached that stage of being embarassed by me, maybe they never will.
Tonight I'm on my own. John is working, and the boys are at a movie party. Later, they are bringing a friend to spend the night. By the time they come home, I'll have my Mom hat on again, be excited to see everybody. Not to mention, they'll be three of them to help bring in the laundry, lol. Right now though, I'm glad for "me time" and think I'll run across the street and get a burger- Culver's , yum:)

I've been watching some of this media coverage that has been non-stop since about 4:30pm yesterday about the now, late Michael Jackson.
I remember being in elementary school when "Thriller" came out. Many of my friends got their hands on "Beat-It" jackets or ran around with a sequined glove. I was never that much of a fanatic, but I did own "Thriller" on tape and even had that poster with Michael Jackson and the tiger on my wall. I loved the Thriller video and especially P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing). I could listen to that over and over again. In his prime, he was extremely talented and should be remembered for that.
In his later years though, he was just completely bizzare, engaging in various antics such as the baby-dangling and "possibly" child molestation. He was never convicted, so we may never know for sure, but it appeared at that time that he may have engaged in some inappropriate conduct in one form or another, even if he didn't think it was wrong.
What I do know though, is that the media takes everything and blows it up. They are annoying. Their coverage starts off as helpful, but sooner or later it is just redundant and repetitive. From about 8:30 last night, central time, to about 1am, they were having live coverage of the situation, but absolutely nothing new was said- just the same pictures over and over again, along with various interviews of people who had come out to dance at the Apollo Theatre in Harlem and the Hollywood Walk of Fame- they were putting flowers on his star, but it wasn't the right star after all, his had been temporarily covered for a movie premiere.
Annoying too was the way they treated the late Farrah Fawcett. I know that she was certainly not the mega world-wide star that Jackson was, people were fainting in Hong Kong over him after-all, but many people in America had enjoyed her talents. Most of the news shows were discussing her around 12:30pm until Jackson went to the hospital. Then all of a sudden she was an afterthought. "Oh, by the way, Farrah Fawcett died today, too bad..."Of course, most people suspected she was on her way out, but still. In the end, it was probably good for her family to get out of the limelight so they could grieve privately.
If anything, Michael Jackson was a very tragic figure. He was very talented, but was never allowed a normal childhood. He always had to perform for the cameras from the time he was 6 years old. He once told Oprah that he would cry, watching all the other kids at the playground, that he had to go to work. He is the poster child for why children should not be "forced" into the spotlight at an early age. Let this be a lesson to all those stage moms and dads, and reality moms and dads. Yes, I'm looking at you, Gosselins.

Living arrangements...

Lately, it seems that well-meaning friends have taken to worrying about my living situation. That we should really get on the stick and try and buy a house, or we should see about that $8000 tax credit from the government. Why would we want to continue living in an apartment, townhouse, etc...? Why would we want to throw money away on rent? Then we part ways for the day, and they go back to their homes and I go back to my apartment, wondering if I'm "good enough", or if somehow I have failed.
Now, we have had so many ups and downs with money. When my mother died, 14 years ago, there was no will and sadly, a lot of arguing ensued as to who would get what, who would live in her house, etc... As the only adult child at that time I ended up making alot of the decisions, but emotionally I was a wreck and ended up selling everything just so I didn't have to deal with it. I ended up walking away with a bunch of money, but no home and a lot of bad memories that would take years to heal from. If I knew one thing about my mother, she didn't want her house sold, and I felt the money was tainted. I went through it pretty quickly. Zachary was born 2 months after my mother died, and I was dealing with alot. In the end, we bought a house in Florida. The most beautiful yellow house on a half acre of land. 3 bedrooms, 1 bath, garage, indoor patio, and the best yard ever. A huge tree that Zachary would climb, spots to plant orange trees, put a pool up, garden, whatever. We were 24 then. Alex came home to that house after he was born. It was too much though at that time. We ended up getting in over our heads and had to walk away. Alex was 6 weeks old, and we didn't have any type of support system, just the two of us, trying to make things right. The house went into foreclosure. I don't like to talk about it because it's very painful, still is. I have a couple of pictures of that house and about 5 years ago, on a familiy trip to Florida, we drove by. The what if's were palpable, and we quickly got out of there.
After that, we moved to different apartments, but living in Florida just wasn't the same. So, we decided to move to back home to RI and live next door to John's mom. Slowly, we were starting to repair our credit situation, even got a good credit card, a car, etc... At that time, we decided to homeschool- well actually, we had decided that in Florida, but were determined to stick with it. Now, alot of people we know who homeschool, then and now, already have all their ducks in a row, a house, computers, plenty of money to spend on extra classes, lessons, etc... Everything seemed to be such a struggle for us, but we were determined. Sadly, the situation at home turned scary when my mother-in-law's alcoholism got out of hand. She began threatening us over the internet. John worked nights, and one night she threatened to break the door down and kick my ass, then she'd call DCF and have my kids taken away because I homeschooled. I was terrified, being new at homeschooling. The next day, I packed my bags for us and the kids, and we got the hell out of there. We ended up moving into a duplex house that a friend of John's had just bought over the border in Connecticut. It was a lucky break, but we had to wait two weeks before we could move in. We lived in a motel during that time, and there went whatever good credit we'd gotten back.
So, after Connecticut we came here to Minnesota to try with a different section of John's family, his father. That went better, but since they hadn't known each other growing up, they realized they didn't have alot in common. Eventually, we left the St. Cloud area, 2 hours north of where we are now, and moved to Chaska. Up north, we bought a mobile home, but that ended up being damaged in a hailstorm and we decided to unload it.
Now, we are in Chaska and find we really like it. We've made alot of friends who all have their own life experiences, and it's been great getting to know everyone. It just gets hard when people think they know what you should do because it's what they would do, only they weren't around me for the first 34 years. They don't really know what has brought me to this place. For now, we are content. When the right opportunity comes up, be assured we'll go for it, when it's the right time. My husband works two jobs so I can homeschool, but there's alot of guilt I feel for him doing that. I feel like if I put the boys in public school and got an outside job, then we'd have alot more "things" and probably a house, but we've come this far that I want to finish what we've started. I can always get a job later and a house too. Life is full of so many difficult choices, but in the end I promised myself that being the best mom I could be was the most important thing I could ever do, so in case I ever had to "leave them", they would know how I much I loved them everyday of their lives.

Shopping...

My husband is THE hardest person in the world to shop for. I get all panicky when the "big three" approach- his birthday, Father's Day and Christmas. A few weeks before the occasion I will start asking what he's been wanting lately. It's almost always the same reply- "oh, nothing, I'm good". I'll say, "Honey, do you want a certain movie or a new beer kit?" and he'll say, "nah". When Mother's Day comes up or our anniversary, he's right there, always with just the right sentiment. Of course, I'm pretty easy to please:)
One year we had been camping for the week leading up to John's birthday. The day that we headed home was his birthday. As we ended through Brainerd, I decided to stop and take him out to lunch. I wanted to go to the steakhouse or something similar. No. How about Olive Garden? Red Lobster? No. Culver's. Bingo! Culver's is actually my new favorite hamburger chain, but I wanted to do more.
I think it all comes down to the fact that I'm not working right now. If I had my "own" money, like I did in Connecticut, then I could do whatever I want and spend whatever I want. John is the main budgeter in the house, but I always know just what's going on, how much we can work with, etc... He's the one though, that makes the plans, puts things into "categories"- $60 for schoolbooks, $40 for garage sales, whatever. So, when it comes to those "big" days- anniversary, Father's Day, etc... I hate having to ask for a category to go buy him presents, because then he knows exactly what I've spent.
So, since he's so picky about everything, I've gotten to the point of just taking him with me to buy his things. Tonight we went out and bought a new fishing pole for him. He really liked it, but as usual thought it was too much for him. I just wanted to shake him, and tell him he deserves everything good in this world too. I bought it anyways, and he couldn't wait to put it in the lake when we got home. Only, he lost his lure...

Coming out the other side...

A few minutes ago I read a pretty compelling piece from a friend's blog. She's been going through a difficult marital time, but seems to be turning a corner. I hope so anyway and wish them all the best. What she wrote reminded me of my own separation, some 5 years ago.
If you've been reading along so far, you know that for many years now, it's just been "us", the "4 Wahls", the "4 Musketeers" if you will. We did everything together, took the kids everywhere we went. I don't think we had a "date night" until Zachary was 5, and then not another one until he was 10:) We didn't mind though, or else it didn't seem like we minded. All of our conversations were either about work, money, or the kids, just not always in that order. We never thought about going to parties, or movie nights, dancing, anything like that. We worked, homeschooled, took the kids to Scouts and Karate, etc... and just lived life. Except I don't think we were really living for ourselves, we were living for the kids and excluding ourselves.
Then, one day, John came home and told me he was moving out, couldn't stand it anymore, was suffocating. I begged him not to leave, cried, pleaded, everything. He left anyway though, got a room in a boardinghouse. He had his own little room and shared a kitchen and bath with a bunch of others. We'd visit him there, but only briefly. Most of the time, he visited at our house, watched the boys when I had to work, came over on his days off, fixed my car, etc... This went on for 2-3 months. I started to plan the future, what I would do for money, how I would be alone for the first time in my adult life. It was scary.
Except he never really left. I'm not sure he could. After all, we were the "4 Wahls". We always say it takes 4 Wahls to build a house, cheesy I know... Something always brought him back, but he couldn't commit. He seemed to view me as a threat to his independence. All of a sudden he was bringing chocolates to co-workers and going to pool parties at his manager's house. I was never brought along because I was from that "other world". He worked at a casino with 12,000 employees. It was like a giant high school ,and you could get away with anything. They actually had a Christmas party there where there was alcohol served, but you couldn't bring your spouse, employees only. Many marriages were broken up over those Christmas parties I'm sure.
Finally, one day, he asked if he could come home. I was planning a vacation to Florida with just me and the boys. I'd cashed in all my Home Depot stock to pay for it. He told me that he'd love to come and contribute half the money. I took him up on it, and we had a good time. We reconciled and have been together since. However, it took me a long time to trust him again. I wasn't sure for awhile why exactly he had come back. Was it for me? the boys? or just the old comfort zone thing? I think at first, it might have been a bit of all three.
Now that we're finally settled here in Chaska, some interesting dynamics have taken place. My sons are now older and little by little they are allowed to stay home on their own, giving us some "alone" time. Even if it's just to go grocery shopping or walk the track at the gym, we've been "rediscovering" what it was we liked about each other all those years ago. We have made some great friends who offer to "take the kids" for an evening, and through friends I have rediscovered a lot of things about myself as well. I'm not the same person I was so many years ago, even 5 years ago. I'm not as needy, enjoy other people's company, and really like to do things for myself, and it makes a happier wife and mother.
So lately, we've been getting lots of invites to parties and events. Some I've been going to, but if they're on the weekend, John's been wanting us to have "family days". He works 2 jobs and wants to really spend quality time with the boys and me. I'm sure as his work load slows down, he will reengage in group activities, but we've come full circle. I've grown for myself, and now he wants to be with me whenever he can. Before, I was suffocating him, and now, he's looking for free moments for us.

Bowling...

All last year my boys bowled. They've done it for a couple of years now. In the past they were put on the same team and slowly their averages went up. I don't think they really enjoyed being together too much though, because they are together all the time. When we moved down here we started a fresh season. This time the boys were divided by age. Alex got put on a Bantam, or youth, league, while Zachary got put on a junior league. Kids all the way up to 20 can be on this league. This year they really enjoyed it. They each had their own teammates and made friends. They worked for the team and for themselves, trying always to better their scores. That's the great thing about bowling, until you get to 300, you can always improve. Each frame is a fresh start. There's always a handicap too, so that the less proficient bowlers have a chance at a trophy, while individual trophies are given out to the best overall scorers.

When the season ended in April, Zachary wanted to take a break, but a new league opened up- theis time an adult/youth league. Alex still wanted to bowl. I was hesitant, but decided to try it. Usually money is an issue around here, so we don't do alot of things for ourselves (classes, clubs, etc...). We let the kids do things and tell ourselves that our time will come later on. This time though, I really wanted to try. So, we started out 7 weeks ago. There were some really good bowlers there, mostly high school students. They rock! They're all so friendly though. I made the mistake of missing the 2nd week, and when we showed up the next time, we were in 11th place. I was like dang, we're sunk. There is a handicap though, which really does help and give everyone a chance. Over the last 4 weeks we have worked our way back up to 3rd place. Every week is a fresh chance to do well, and you never really know what's going to happen. I just know that I like trying new things, bettering myself, and having fun with my son. I never want to stop any of those three things.

I tend to believe that when we are born we are given a book, but we are all capable of making our own storyline. As long as you keep going, keep experiencing, keep living, your storyline will go on as long as humanly possible. Look at George HW Bush, jumping out of a plane at 85. Once we stop living, stop dreaming, stop trying, sooner or later our storyline comes to an end. Once we are just sedentary over and over, we will be over. So, we should experience as much as we can!
Tomorrow night our team is taking on the 1st place team and we'll do our best!! Go Charmeleons!! (Obviously my team name was picked out by my 11 year old son:) - it's all about Pokemon)

The Balancing Act...

Summer is starting and as things go forward, I'm realizing just what a balancing act life is. You see, for the last 8 years our family has pretty much lived on our own - we always had a few other family members or acquaintances around, but never formed any true, lasting friendships. When we'd meet people we always tended to put ourselves an arms-length away because we were always afraid that they would let us down in some way, turn on us, leave us... When I say "we" I mean my husband John and me. We've been together since we were 18 and for most of that time, it truly was "us against the world."
Then, we moved here to Chaska and so many things have happened over the last eighteen months. We've met more people and made more friends this year alone than in all the 18 years we've been together. It's just that I still feel like I don't know how to fit in, how if being "me" is good enough, or if I need to put on a show, that that will keep people interested in us. I end up being a bit of a chameleon, and I don't know if that's a good thing. I want everyone to like me, and I'm a pretty good "read" of people, so I can normally jump into any conversation and interact with all sorts- from the trailer park I lived in not more than 2 years to the wealthiest of residents in Prior Lake. Yet, I'm not sure I'm ever really "me".
The truth is I'm varied and different: I believe in God and teach my boys the Bible, yet we don't attend church regularly. I love the movie American Psycho, especially the scene where Patrick Bateman kills Paul Allen while listening to Huey Lewis and the News, yet I love Little Women too. I am a big news junkie, mainly Fox News, but I like to watch Nancy Grace as well. Ikeep up on all kinds of crime news and worry about all the missing children that are reported. I love spending time with my children, playing with them, teaching them, spending time with them. I have no patience for other people's bratty kids. I have a great eye for knowing actors who are in movies, even if it's "guy number 2 with the umbrella", I'll check out his name and remember him next time. I don't like American Idol anymore and think Kate Gosselin is horrible. I really like all my neighbors, even though I got into a shouting match with my neighbor in CT and never thought I'd like any neighbors after that. I love doing volunteer stuff with 4-H and I really like camping and geo-caching. I'd love to go on the Amazing Race someday. I truly believe that when the kids are grown, I will do something to make a greater difference. I will always have empathy for others and will never be exclusive to certain people. I once got so mad I made a crack in my old Geo Metro- I was a horrible pregnant person:)
All of this is me, but too often I think some of me suits some people and not others, while some of me suits the other half and not the others. But, it's all me. I want to be free to express it all. For now, here may be the best place:)

I haven't blogged in awhile, but something's been bothering me since last night, and I thought I'd share. I was reading my Facebook and a friend was upset because somebody had commented on her weight. First of all, the comment was just plain stupid because this person is not fat in the least. Second, even if she was, so what? Why would someone just say that out loud? Thirdly, it just reiterated what I've always known- that words can hurt way more than a slap in the face anyday, no matter what age you are.
By now, everyone knows that I homeschool my boys. We're finishing up our 10th year. Zachary will be in 9th grade next year and Alex will most likely be in 6th, although I'm still debating that issue. When people ask me why we choose this road less traveled, I always try for the right response- oh, I want them to learn the right values, to focus on things I think are important, year-round learning, and the list goes on. Honestly, when we started we were down in Orlando, FL and I actually didn't think the schools were that wonderful there.
I think though, if I'm really honest, I'd admit that alot of it has to do with my own treatment growing up in public schools and what a disaster that turned into.
Early on, things were fine. I had lots of friends, played with all the kids in the neighborhood, had people over. Somewhere around 6th grade, that started to change. I like to blame my mom, lol. I had pretty hair when I was young, always styled nicely. One day my mom decided to cut it off herself instead of taking to me to the salon, she said it was too difficult to manage. When she got done, it was uneven, short, just gross:) For the next three years life was a misery for me.
I wasn't fat, I wasn't ugly, I wasn't mean to people. I just wanted to fit in. In those years it only takes 1 or 2 things to make you different, to make you stand out in a bad way.
My mother was always popular herself and wanted the same for me. So, I pretended. I'd go to dances and hang out by myself, I'd talk about all the people at school who were talking around me, not "to" me and act like they were my friends. People would walk by my house and shout my name in a rude way, but I'd let my family think they were pals. I had a bit of a lisp and that just sent some people into hilarious fits.
2 things that stand out: the first day of 8th grade I came to school in a new outfit that my mother had helped me pick out. I thought I looked nice, fresh start, new year, yada, yada.. I spent an hour getting ready. When I got to school, the first person I saw said "nice outfit, dork" and I was crushed. It set the stage for the worst year of my life.
The year before that I endured people spitting at me. I'd sit in homeroom and watch these "tough" kids come in. They'd sit behind me and spit paper balls in my hair. I refused to cry or leave. I just sat there, silently begging someone to help, I don't know, maybe the damn TEACHER. He just sat there though, ignoring the whole thing, totally looking a blind eye. After that, I joined many clubs so I could get out of that homeroom. People would then threaten me in the hallways, so I'd have to plan "escape" routes to avoid those people when school let out for the day. I remember just sitting in my room, never wanting to come out or pretending I was sick so I wouldn't have to go there.
Even when good things happened to me, I ended up being the jerk so I could conform and make friends. I had a great friend back then, very loyal, whom once I realized the "cool" people didn't like her, I dumped her. If I wanted to be back in the game I couldn't associate with nerdy people, right? Wrong, but I was too stupid to realize that at the time. Even during that time, there were a couple of boys who liked me, but I was too afraid to like them back. Afraid that other people would make fun of me, that I finally had a boyfriend, or worse yet, mock them for hanging out with me, forcing them to dump me. So, I dumped them first so I wouldn't be hurt.
Eventually time marches on and life moves along. I went to high school and things did change for the better. I made some good friends there, ones that liked me for me, even had a date or two. However, when I finally graduated, I never looked back. I have found various friends on Facebook whom I haven't spoken to in like forever, but I'm not one of those people dying to go to a reunion. I'm just not. Those three years at Park View though, were hell on earth for me and I never wanted my children to go through what I did.
For many years I was alone with my husband and kids, we moved around looking for a nice place to live. I've finally found it here in Chaska. I've made good friends. I am overweight now, have been for awhile and am working on that, but I have setbacks like everybody else. It's just so nice to be involved with such a wonderful group of people here, where I can truly be myself, maybe for the first time in my life. People who tell me the truth, good or bad, and offer a sudden compliment that will just make my day. My hair is short now, but still one of my better features:)

25 Little Known Facts....

I was just typing a new blog. It was going to be about 25 of the obscure facts about my life, things that not many people know, a few nobody knows, or they're not around anymore to know. Then, I read the list... I realized if I posted it, you would all run away from this blog, never to read the ramblings of such a freak again. So, I'm thinking of posting each as a separate entry. That way each one can be viewed on their own and you can understand me better.
The first notation was actually not that bad, but at the time I thought it was. During my early years, I spent alot of time at my Grammy's house. Later in life, that would be my house. My mom was really close to her mother so she'd often visit on the weekends. I'd go too, that way my father could have some peace and quiet.
One day, I was playing between my Grammy's house and her neighbor's. They had a nice house, with wooden shingles. I decided to be "bad". I took a small rock and carved a word on their wall. "FU** ". After I'd done it, I was shocked at myself. It was a little secret that only I knew. Then I went about my business, like it never happened. The next Sunday, I was there again, and I could see the word, as plain as day. Only this time, I felt a little ashamed.
No one said anything about it. The neighbors would walk right by it, the gardeners would mow right along side it. Grammy would hang her laundry 20 ft away. I couldn't understand why I hadn't been found out. Guilt started eating away at me. One night I couldn't take it anymore. After I'd been sent to bed, I walked into my mom's room, crying. She was worried, "What's the matter, are you sick?" "No, I said, I vandalized!!" I explained everything and my dad came in. I thought I was dead meat for sure, a spanking was imminent.
Mom looked at Dad and said I had just had a bad dream and could he put me back to bed... Even when I tried to tell the truth, no one believed me. I forgot about it for awhile, but it eventually came back (the guilt) and I finally told the priest at church. Finally, I was absolved and could move forward.
Years later, when the neighbors redid their shingles, I took one last look at my "handiwork". The one thing I noticed- it was really small!!

Springtime in Minnesota

What a glorious day to be outside- it was 58 degrees in my car, on the way home from Como Zoo in St. Paul. There were tons of people out, biking, running, walking the dogs, just enjoying the fresh air. Winter is fun at first, that initial snowfall, the first sledding of the season, but it feels like forever sometimes. It's so cold in Minnesota that when it snows, it just sticks around, and I just feel like hibernating. I try to consolidate all of my outdoor trips so I don't have to face the wind chill temps. Eventually I get crabby, not even wanting to do the simple things like going to the gym or play groups, I'd rather just mope and be warm.
When it finally melts though and you get this stretch of warm days, it's like everyone's in it together, everybody understands how great it is, and nobody wants to waste a minute. They know it can change in an instant. It's only March 15, it could snow again, probably will. I never can plant flowers here til at least May 15, that's if I'm lucky.
So today the four of us headed out to Como Zoo. It's such a wonderful place and it is still actually free! They ask for a small donation, but you don't have to. It was very crowded, some people had shorts on. One dude was jogging down the street with no shirt on and "short" shorts. There are always the ones who take it to extremes.
The animals seemed excited to be outside too. I could spend all day looking at the monkeys, gorillas, etc... The gorillas were outside eating snowballs. There was a sign that said that the gorillas will throw dirt and grass at the guests to establish their dominance. I think everybody was hoping that the gorillas would throw snowballs at us too, but it didn't happen- they just ate them. The orangutans and the tamarin monkeys both had had babies over the winter and were carrying them around- so small and cute, a true sign of spring. I have to say that the lions there are extremely frisky. Today, they were flirting and about a year ago we walking in on some serious mating.
We saw everything and then made our way home. We were going to stop for a car wash, but the cars were lined up around the corner, everybody wanting to get that salt and snow off their vehicles. So, we came home and my husband went to take a nap. I have to give him props because he'd been up since 3 pm yesterday, having worked both his part-time job and his full- time, overnight job. He just didn't want to be left behind, wanted to spend that time with us.
SO, I guess I'm off to the gym. I don't want to, but I have to go 8 times a month so that our insurance covers it. I'd much rather be walking one of the many walking/biking trails we have in Chaska. Having a gym membership is very helpful in the winter, but pesky in the summer.

I don't know why, but lately I've found myself doing many of the things I did as a kid. Maybe it's this Facebook business- there are just so many people from the past there, some of them I was really excited to reconnect with, like I'd thought of them over the years and now they were "real" again. Some people befriended me and it was like a nice surprise, a blast from the past, people that I just let escape my life for 20 years. I've got my oldest friend on there, my first babysitter, my date to the prom, and various other characters. I was playing that Mafia Wars game on Facebook, looking at my "mob", laughing that such a unique group would never come together in "real life". The whole thing gets me nostalgic though. Some people just add every person they know to their friends list, but never talk to any of them. I try to always say hi to everyone who friends me or vice versa, to establish some kind of a connection.
I get nostalgic for home and Rhode Island, where things were never simpler and easier for me. I was never in the "popular" crowd, although to this day I believe that was a good thing. I'm still not, so some things never change, lol...
I've been reading Nancy Drew mysteries over lately, going in order. I used to be so proud of myself because I could read an entire book in one day. My friends and I would pretend we were the characters, reenact scenes, run around the neighborhood and stop crime, silly stuff, but I remember all of it.
I've also been watching the Hallmark channel lately, watching old reruns of "Murder She Wrote". Now, Jessica Fletcher truly annoys me. I like her style for an older lady, but she's always intruding and wherever she goes, someone gets whacked. Yet, its one of the few shows I can remember watching with my family in the old days. We rented the bottom floor of a two-family house for years in Cranston, RI. It was one floor and we had televisions in almost every room in the house. When "Murder She Wrote" would come on, it'd be 8 o'clock on Sunday nights. Sometimes we'd watch together, but sometimes we'd all watch the same show in 4 different rooms. Yes, I said that. Half-way through the show, my dad would come around and ask us who the murderer was. Whoever got it right in the end might get a quarter or something, I'm not sure. It was silly, but it's a memory that I cherish, so I'm back to watching those old episodes.

The Boys are Playing, For Now...

I'm sitting here, just having eaten lunch. My two sons, ages 13 and 10, couldn't wait to go outside and play. The reason they are so excited is because it is 50 degrees out. For all of us in Minnesota, that is a big deal! It's been a very cold, very long winter. Sometimes I think I suffer from that SAD- Seasonal Anxiety Disorder. The last couple of weeks I have found myself feeling glum for no apparent reason.
Anyways, back to the kids. Yesterday we were sitting around at a friend of mine's when I just happened to look at my oldest son, Z's, face. I was drawn to his chin, where I happened to spot three long hairs coming out. I couldn't believe it- chin hairs! He's not yet 14! Isn't that too early, I panicked. He already has a thin mustache. We've just had him keep it because we think he's too young to deal with shaving, but chin hairs? Last night, we got the razor out and trimmed them away, but I know they'll be back.
For most of my children's lives, it's just been the four of us. I have devoted myself to raising them and teaching them, since I homeschool them too. I have always homeschooled them, I just wanted them to learn the things that I valued important in a safe and loving environment. We've been together constantly, but I always found activities, play groups, scouts, etc... for them to belong to, to have that "socialization" time.
Now, as they get bigger and look older, I see them becoming more independent. They want to go to different friends' houses, parties, etc... I can drop them off now and pick them up 2 hours later, I can go out shopping with my husband while they stay home and play. The house doesn't burn down, they are fine. They might call and check in, but more than likely it's us calling to check in with them. We never had babysitters so we never got to go out as a couple. Now we can and I actually like it. I thought at one time that maybe we'd have nothing to say to each other, but we seem closer than ever because we are becoming a couple all over again.
Still, I feel this ache in my heart, like this time will draw to an end before I know it, that everything will change again. Soon, they'll be driving, dating, college, excursions without us. I know it's all for the good, that they're becoming great people, that our relationships are solid, that I'll be able to let go when I have to. But I don't want to....
So, I'll cherish the fact that they are outside playing in the warm weather like the kids that they are, for now anyways...

Welcome To My World!

For many years now, I have been toying with the notion of writing a book. I wasn't sure if I wanted to do a murder mystery, which is my favorite genre, or some kind of memoir of my experiences. I always felt that if I tried to do a story based on my life, that that would be too presumptuous, that maybe nobody would be interested. After all, I'm only 35, and I'm nobody famous. About a month ago, I decided to combine the two ideas and just start writing. I got about five pages in and was pretty satisfied. Then.... nothing. I didn't know where to go, I didn't think I was being true to myself by trying to fictionalize things. Plus, I have a lot of things to say and really don't want to wait years to say them.
So, after reading a couple of my friends' blogs, I've decided that this is the way to go, to just share my feelings "in real time". I'm calling this blog "Through the Looking Glass" because, simply put, for much of my adult life I've felt like I've been living in an alternative universe than everybody else, just like Alice did when she hopped down that hole to Wonderland. Things have happened and I've thought, "Are you for real?" or "Is it just me?" But no, the world moves on, and you just have to move with it.
My address is going to be "Scales of Existence" because I was born on September 28, making me a Libra on the Zodiac calendar. Everything about the Libra personality is me, truly. Mostly, its the decision-making. I'm a people pleaser and when I realize that something I am going to do will make some people less thrilled then others, I can sit there for hours going back and forth on something, practically making up my mind for one idea, then two hours later, convincing myself of the other. It drives my husband crazy!
Not to mention my desire for a stability that, at this point, I don't thing will ever come. I don't like change, I get panicky. Yet, since I was 19, I've moved no less than 12 times to 5 different states. I like Minnesota as much as anywhere I've ever lived, but even now, with 4 years here, I am starting to think about Florida, Connecticut, other places to try, or try again.
So, as I move along here, I plan to share my thoughts, my memories, my life. Hope some of you might like to join me!